The Sanguine Husband

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My husband is a fun-loving, easy-going, good-natured, spontaneous sanguine. When we were dating, he loved to get me flowers, write letters, and wear his heart on his sleeve. And in marriage, he continues to do much of the same. He is socially conscious and relationship-aware. He likes to do things that matter and have meaning. That’s the good side of him.

Recently Gerhard opened up to me about what it means to be a sanguine and take on the responsibilities of husband and father. In our discussion, we looked at the character traits of a sanguine as described by Art and Larraine Bennett in their book The Temperament that God Gave You. Gerhard describes what these traits look like in real life, the good and the bad of them, and offers some words of advice to other husbands and fathers who share his temperament.

Note: Gerhard is mostly sanguine and his secondary temperament is phlegmatic. To hear from the sanguine-choleric perspective, check out our podcast with husband and father Adrien Quenneville.

The Temperament god gave you

Learn how to identify and understand the four temperaments that determine our reactions, guide our choices, color our understanding, and serve as the foundation of our moral and spiritual life.

Looking for Fun

Our boys are learning the alphabet right now. When Gerhard heard them singing the ABC’s for the tenth time one day, he sang along with them, but added some extra silly words to make the boys laugh.

While the sanguine is often looking for opportunities for fun or to do something exciting, it comes, as Gerhard admits, very naturally. At home, Gerhard is often finding opportunities to bring some pleasure in our lives, whether in the form of treats or outings. He looks for opportunities to instigate a laugh whether by tickling, play wrestling with the boys, cracking a joke with me, or doing something silly to either making me blush or laugh. In our marriage he keeps things playful by rarely being harsh and by never letting a low mood sit with him for more than a few hours or a day.

Gerhard can be a bit more serious at work, I think that comes partially from his phlegmatic/introverted side. But he still finds opportunities to crack a joke and see the humour. He has a strong work ethic, but work is never something he can do without a little bit of pleasure in it. Unlike a melancholic or choleric, he is not naturally inclined to push through on a project because “it must be done.” He is socially motivated and likes to enjoy the work that he does, or else he loses interest quickly. I have heard him refer to his work (whether in the office or at the university) as a game, where the fun is in doing his best in order to win (accomplish his goals).

His advice: The sanguine needs other people in order to have fun, if the sanguine is alone for too long, the fun-loving self goes into “hibernation.” Also, this fun-loving self may hide in the presence of someone he calls a “downer,” a person who refuses or ignores invitations to lightheartedness and fun. The sanguine’s positivity is not something to take for granted. Have a couple people in your life who are very positive and help you to stay on track. Beware of “emotional vampires,” people who like “downers” kill the joy in social interactions by sucking up your emotional energy and make it more difficult for you to be at your best.

Shake Him Like Water

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Sanguines are naturally optimistic about the future, which on the one hand makes them a likeable, upbeat and positive person to be around, but it may, on the other hand, cause them to engage in sometimes risky behaviour. The sanguine may naturally be attracted to business, entrepreneurial work, sales, acting, or other professions that other temperaments would consider unstable—but the sanguine’s unfailing optimism leads him to believe that he will cash out big.

Sanguines are not easily “shaken up”—while the choleric may be likened to a can of pop, the sanguine is like a bottle of water—they adapt and change to whatever life throws at them without making too much of a fuss.

In marriage, the sanguine will be quick to reassure his spouse about fears for the future. Gerhard is my cheerleader when it comes to taking on a new project. I used to hold myself back from a lot of endeavours, worried about details or what others might think of me, but with his coaching I have taken more risks than I would have on my own.

His Advice: The natural optimism of a sanguine can be a source of resiliency when facing challenges or difficulties in work or in life. However, learning how to properly plan ahead, including creating contingencies for possible negative outcomes, is a skill that when developed can help you take more manageable risks and mitigate the effects of boundless optimism.

Will Not Leave the Party

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When Gerhard and I were first dating there was one quality about him that surprised me. While I knew he loved spending time with his family and friends, I did not find he was an overly extroverted person since he spent a good deal of time listening in conversation and not drawing a ton of attention to himself (like a choleric might do). I was surprised then, when we would go hang out with friends (or anywhere with people for that matter)—he would not take any hints that I wanted to go home. We stayed until the last person was gone. Pretty soon I learned to drop the subtlety—this man does not like to leave a party!

The sanguine is always looking for opportunities to interact with people, whether it’s chatting with a friend, co-worker, bus driver, they crave positive interactions with people. Gerhard says it stems from his desire to build relationships with people. He does this by making pleasant conversation with everyone he encounters. Every person he meets gets the customary smile and salutation. He says it’s because he wants people to have a positive experience with him, even to feel better after seeing him than they did before.

In our marriage, I appreciate that he is just generally pleasant to be around, and that he makes an effort to be that way. I’ve noticed that when things aren’t going well he quickly finds a way to solve the issue and is willing to have difficult conversations in order to get there (even if, as the more melancholic, I’m the one who is likely to bring it up and point it out).

His advice: When the Corona Virus hit, it might have been that sanguines suffered socially more than others. Working remotely and having less interactions during the day, even mundane ones like with a cashier, was challenging to their well-being. Gerhard looked for ways around the dilemma of social isolation by doing the grocery shopping, exercising at home, and spending more quality time with his family.

Influencer for the Good

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I wouldn’t be surprised that if someone did a study of those who jumped on social media platforms first (and spent the most time on them) found out that these people were all sanguine. Gerhard struggles with the overuse of his phone and sets a number of parameters to limit his activity on social media. At its best, social media is a fantastic tool that sanguines can use to broadcast the best of their qualities—connecting with people and spreading their positivity to society.

The down side of social media for the sanguine is that they cannot always tell if they’ve been understood. It’s important to a sanguine to feel that there’s been a back and forth in a conversation. If they tell a joke: did it brighten the other person’s day? The reaction matters. And part of the fun of communicating is entertaining—not just listing off simple facts but painting with words.

In the workplace, sanguines are often naturally gifted at public speaking or sales. But while the potential is there, as Gerhard notes, these are still skills that need to be honed and practiced.

His Advice: Keep up with the relationships you currently have and try to go past the superficial chit chat. Reach out to new people and make an effort to be consistent in seeing them. Hone in on your potential for being a great communicator and salesperson by taking acting classes, improv, sales classes or joining Toast Masters.

Loving His Freedom

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One thing that I learned quickly about Gerhard is that he doesn’t like to have an inordinate amount of restrictive rules. For example, if he goes to do the grocery shopping, I can give him a detailed list but he doesn’t want to hear the explanation about how to find the items in the store. His answer is often, “I’ll figure it out when I get there.” For our honeymoon we went on a month-long roadtrip to the Maritimes. Oftentimes, as soon as we got in the car, Gerhard would just start driving. “Do you know where you’re going?” I’d ask. “Not yet,” he’d respond.

There’s a certain amount of fun for the sanguine in figuring out things as they go, I think it goes with their creative personalities. Certainly, I find that Gerhard doesn’t like doing the same thing twice, unless there’s a strong reason for it. Heck, he doesn’t even like leftovers because it’s the “same old, same old.”

This being said, sanguines respect rules and routines as something important—and within a certain context. Gerhard will diligently wake up every morning at 5:00 am so that he can have some alone time and go to the gym. On mornings when he has the day off, and there’s no reason for him to get up, he still gets up to help me with the boys and make breakfast. But when he lived alone, sleeping in was something he liked to do.

In marriage, sanguines can feel very strongly that rules must have a reason. They definitely do not like being nagged for something they forgot to do (which they might do often). They might build resentment against a spouse who fights back on a decision they have made. This resistance from their spouse to live their life as they’d like may cause them to lie or not disclose all the information necessary about a decision they have made.

In effect, the sanguine husband wants to feel like he is “his own man”, and that his wife—especially if she is a melancholic—is not always putting a damper on his ideas. This is a difficult balance to make because the sanguine (of his own admission) can be careless, impulsive, and possibly ignore some important details of a decision. Gerhard suggests that respect is key in addressing the problems the spouse notices in her sanguine’s plans. Don’t focus on controlling your partner or telling him what to do and how to do it, but simply bring up your concerns and let your spouse figure out a solution on his own. Ultimately, objective or natural consequences to an action are more convincing. If your concerns are more opinion-based, be prepared to have them rejected. However, if stakes are high and the health of the relationship is on the table, the sanguine will bend over backwards to please his partner. As a wife, note this and thank him!

One example of this dilemma is from a couple we know, we’ll call them George and Helen. George, the sanguine, decided to leave his stable job and start his own company. Helen went along with it but had several concerns that she was afraid to bring up for fear of creating a conflict. Two years later, the family was almost bankrupt with a venture that had gone south fast. It wasn’t that George didn’t have a good idea, it was that they didn’t take time to listen to each other. Helen’s awareness of some red flags may have saved her and her husband some financial distress.

Advice: Gerhard recommends giving the sanguine partner the space and flexibility to be themselves, be creative with their time, and make small mistakes that they can learn from. Give the sanguine the benefit of the doubt by assertively bringing up red flag issues.

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Creative Problem Solver

Like their opposite the melancholic, sanguines are naturally creative. While melancholics may pull their creativity out of the depths of their thinking, sanguines tend to pull their creativity out of their zest for life.

In the workplace, a sanguine can provide a non-standard solution to a problem. Gerhard claims this ability is the result of the sanguine’s expansive interests, outward focused vision, and interest in latest trends. While sanguines may be pegged as superficial, this ability to generate knowledge from a variety of areas also allows them to grasp the big picture of things. Again, this is another major difference between the melancholic and the sanguine, since the melancholic likes to zero in on and analyze the details of a narrow topic.

In marriage, the sanguine tends to enjoy discussing relationships and finding out how to make relationships better. Sanguines are interested in reading or listening to relationship advice or going on workshops to improve a marriage. In fact, of the four temperaments, the sanguine may be the one most likely to be open and interested in talking about the relationship and doing relationship building activities.

His Advice: Enjoy your ability to be a creative problem solver with your spouse by playing games, such as board games or puzzles.

The Careless Spender

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If there is one marital issue that Gerhard and I will never be on par with, it will on how we spend our money. I think we could easily deem it our “perpetual conflict.”

The outward-focused sanguine will be concerned not only with how people think of him but also of his appearance. Sanguines want to feel like they fit into society and that their house or marriage look good, at least superficially. That being said, they are often changing ideas and opinions, and even flexing a sense of their own identity, which results in a constant flux of spending to purchase clothing, items for hobbies, and other new needs to help them adapt to their ever-changing perception of their self.

When we discussed this topic, Gerhard and I got into a discussion of wants vs. needs. He said that the sanguine’s ever distractable eye notices new trends and goes down rabbit holes of learning about new sales. This increases his sense of needs. His impulsivity causes him to buy something without necessarily thinking about all the ramifications on the budget—or consequently the relationship.

When Gerhard was a student, he spent so carelessly that one month he had to sell some of his possessions to cover rent. When we were engaged, Gerhard would seriously talk about moving out to British Columbia, living in a van, and going rock climbing as much as he liked. It seems ludicrous now, but after marriage, money arguments, and a lot more responsibility, I can proudly say that Gerhard not only makes excellent plans for our future, he also makes the budget and sticks to it. Things that helped him grow in this area included living through a period of poverty and having the financial responsibility of more people than just himself.

His Advice: Unlike the melancholic who will keep a budget out of an intellectual ideal, or a choleric who will hold one out of principle, the sanguine greatly benefits from having a relationship reason to remain financially responsible, eg. a spouse. Discuss with your spouse what she would like to buy and come up with a shared list of high, medium, and low priority items. When you both make purchases, make sure it is always from this list that you have made together.

When you make your monthly budget together, leave some space for entertainment or fun money. It will always be a struggle for sanguines to stick to the plan, so give yourself the space for creative spending, an amount that your spouse will agree to. This way when you think about what you can spend, you can refer to this amount and not to your entire income.

Why He is Often Double-Booking Himself

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In Gerhard’s words: “There are so many fun things to do and so little time.” And then he might add, “And there is always time for fun.”

When we were dating, Gerhard surprised me with a special Valentine’s Day treat. He announced that we would drive to Ottawa (1.5h away), go skating on the Rideau Canal, go skiing in the Gatineau Hills, visit with my friend, and then have a fancy dinner. We had time for skiing and my friend joined us for a late dinner with no time for skating at all. We still had fun, but not surprisingly, we didn’t do all the things that he thought we would be able to do. When we discussed this topic (now years later), he spoke to me about healthy and unhealthy overcommitting.

He says that in general, free time is not great for a sanguine. Unstructured time generally leads to procrastination, distractions on social media, and often wasted time. He has found that overbooking himself is actually a helpful way of getting himself excited about a variety of tasks or projects and staying focused, since he is easily bored if he has only one thing to do on his schedule. In his words, variety is key.

The sanguine’s tendency to overcommit can be linked to their optimism, which causes them to think that more is always possible, especially if it’s something they want to do. While the choleric is bent on finishing things, the melancholic is hesitant about starting things, the sanguine will just continuously start new things—it’s part of their natural spontaneity. Gerhard says it’s not that he has the bad intention of not finishing a task, it’s just that new things come his way that become more interesting.

I have seen Gerhard become very committed to tasks when he knows he will be accountable to someone in the end. For example, he very diligently trained for competitive sports. However, when he discovered he was naturally talented in this area, he got the very optimistic dream of completing the Ironman without ever having done a proper triathlon. But he was motivated, so he trained and completed the race. His strength lies in his willingness to go for something that another temperament might be too hesitant to even consider starting.

His Advice: Find someone you trust who can hold you accountable to tasks or goals that either do not play to your strengths or ones that you are not highly motivated for. Use your relationship-orientation to your advantage.

Conclusion

Positivity isn’t a given — Gerhard still has his down days and will find himself on occasion in a melancholic funk that he can’t seem to shake off. While these events are rare, they are not unusual. If you are a melancholic (or have it as your secondary temperament like myself) be mindful of how much negativity you may present your spouse, because it will affect his mood, although not right away.

When I was shopping for a spouse, I looked specifically for a sanguine because I knew that he would provide a great balance to me, since I am naturally more serious. I like that he draws out my sense of fun and spontaneity, how he draws attention to the relationship, and how he is always reminding me of the positive!