Beyond Temperament: Parenting the Emotions

If we want our children to be successful in life, then we have to school them in the emotions. This is Daniel Goleman’s running thesis in Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, a pioneering book that helped bring emotional intelligence into homes and classrooms. Drawing on brain and behavioural research, Goleman’s primary purpose is to explain that education and IQ alone don’t determine positive life outcomes. Rather healthy self-awareness, self-discipline, and empathy help a person stay afloat in life.

Childhood is a crucial time (though not the only time) to mold, mend, and bend our emotional ability. The frontal lobes (the seat of emotional self-control) develop until adolescence, on average into the late teen years. During this time of our childhood, our brain has an unusual amount of plasticity. It creates new brain connections and removes those that are not being used. This brain-forming process is “constant and quick” with new connections being made in hours or days. In other words, there is nothing better than being young in order to learn something quickly and make it stick.

What are Emotions why is Emotional Literacy Important?

There are many ways of defining emotions, I’m going to build on Goleman’s definition and describe emotions as two things: first, as neural-circuitry triggered in the brain; and secondly, as our state of mind. Sometimes one can trigger the other: for example, a racing heart can cause us to have anxious thoughts; or anxious thoughts can cause us to have a racing heart. Sometimes they are indistinguishable from each other, such as when someone surprises you. Essentially there is some crossover and distinction between biological processes and our consciousness and chosen thoughts.

Emotional literacy is the ability to be aware of our biological state as well as the thoughts and concerns passing through our mind. An emotionally intelligent person uses this knowledge of their body and thoughts to behave in a socially appropriate way.

As Goleman argues convincingly through the research he presents, someone who is emotionally intelligent has better emotional self-awareness, shows less aggressive behaviour, has more positive feelings about self and family, is better at handling stress, less prone to loneliness and anxiety, more responsible, better able to focus at school and work, less impulsive, performs better academically, listens more to others, has improved conflict resolution, increased popularity among peers, and the list goes on.

Temperament: Our Starting Block

Researchers have discovered that even prior to experience, some people are more prone to certain emotions. For example, timid children seem born with neural circuitry that makes them prone to fear. Their anxiety is aroused by situations that might not trigger a racing heartbeat in others. Harvard professor Jerome Kagan identified four major temperamental types: timid or bold, cheery or melancholic. On this site, we call these phlegmatic, choleric, sanguine, and melancholic. Each temperament is due to a different pattern of brain activity. Of course, no two people are the same, but these categories are helpful in recognizing the similarities of neural activity amongst people.

Temperament is not Destiny

Our temperament may be our starting block, but it is not our charted course. Our experience, especially in early childhood, shapes the way our temperaments are molded. You may have noticed, for example, that it is hard to tell with some people what their temperament or temperament combination may be. Sometimes it is easier to tell with children because as a person matures, they learn to fill in the gaps of their temperament with personality.

For example, a person who has been timid from birth may with time become bolder—and stay that way. Positive social experience combined with social competence will allow a person who is timid to become outgoing and popular. Consider those who refer to themselves as “closet introverts.”

Our abilities as parents have been proven to have an impact on our children and on how their brain positively (or negatively) molds their emotional intelligence.

Take again the example of the timid child. Goleman gives the example of a protective mother versus one who is more firm. The first shelters her timid child from all that might frighten her. The other (with firm limits and direct commands) allows her child to meet the unexpected, which is the biggest fear that has to be overcome. One teaches her child to shy from danger. The other parent teaches her child to be more brave. In the end, this gentle pressure encourages and helps the timid child become bolder with time.

It also appears, from the example that Goleman gives, that the timid child is also helped by being given some lessons on social competence. I know from experience (even from my own childhood) that shyness can stem from social incompetence. Some people tend to just know how to act in social situations. Others need to be told what to say, where to go, and how to act. Goleman relates that socially competent children may outgrow timidity and will likely have positive social experiences with other children. Regular repetition of social success leads the timid child to become confident and sure of themselves. Therefore, through practice and knowledge, a person of a certain temperament can develop beyond their biological beginnings.

Dependable Parents lead to Emotionally Mature Children

Another aspect of maturing in one’s temperament is the role that parents play in nurturing a child. How dependable and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, especially distress and control impulse, imprints on a child’s emotional circuitry. Likewise, if a parent is neglectful or abusive, this behaviour is also imprinted on a child’s circuitry.

Here Goleman seems to be making a distinction between a protective mother and an emotionally responsive one. I think in our modern parlance, the two are often conflated. A helicopter-parent, who follows her child’s every move and keeps her child from danger, is often seen as the responsible and responsive parent. However, this parent is not giving her child the opportunity to practice social skills, mitigate dangers, and manage her own emotions. The responsive parent is one that gives her child opportunities and guidance on how to handle her own distress, as well as practice self-control, and show empathy to others.

Responsive Parenting

Goleman gives the example of self-soothing, that is, how a parent teaches her child to calm down. The responsive parent responds to her infant by picking her child up when she cries and holding her child until she calms down. This is called “biological attunement.”

At the “critical period” between ten and eighteen months, a child is just beginning to form connections within her brain that will help turn distress signals on and off. The infant who has had at this point countless moments of parental soothing and biological attunement will have stronger neural circuits for controlling distress. This child is likely to grow up being better at soothing herself.

The brain continues to mature into adolescence, so while a responsive parent is important in infancy, the brain does continue to develop new sophisticated emotional tools. In childhood, the brain can be helped to develop its emotions in a positive way through emotional coaching. Research done by John Gottman discovered that parents can have a continued direct impact on their child’s emotional well-being by doing the following things:

-Talking to children about their emotions and helping them understand them

-not being critical and judgmental

-problem-solving about emotional predicaments

-coaching children on how to act, eg. providing alternatives to hitting or withdrawing

For Children:

Let’s Talk About Series, Joy Berry

My parents used to read Joy Berry’s series on emotions to me as a child. I’ve found some used copies and my boys love them. I realize my kids want to learn about how to manage their behaviour, about what is right and wrong in social settings (we all do). These books are just great to be able to talk to our kids about their disagreeable behaviours in a calm setting.

familyGerhard FreundorferJanuary 13, 2022temperaments, temperament, parenting, emotions, emotional intelligenceComment