The Choleric Wife: Part 2

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Can a choleric be a nurturing mother and a respectable, loving wife? I firmly believe so. Despite the rough-edges of our temperament, we choleric women are naturally leaders with a lot to offer in a relationship, from motivating our kids to overcome the obstacles in their life, to bringing order when life falls into chaos, to bringing passion and energy into our love lives.

A year ago, my husband and I were preparing for our first podcast on the temperaments. Our discussion led me to realize that I had repressed a lot of my choleric character traits because I didn’t feel like they belonged in a loving relationship. Gerhard challenged me to bring my cholera back into our relationship, and so I started the process of figuring out how to be a choleric but also thrive as a wife and a mother. The Choleric Wife: Part 1 has been very popular on our website and so I am very happy to finally bring you the follow-up.

1. The Way Things Should Be: The Choleric’s Need for Rationality over Feeling

One choleric tendency that I continue to struggle with the most is my inclination to be judgmental and unsympathetic. For example, I don’t always feel like giving my son a hug after I see him doing something I consider thoughtless. My first thought is to say something sarcastic like, “Don’t jump off the picnic table then if you’re going to hurt yourself.” Instead I force myself to listen to him, give his booboo a kiss, and give him a hug. But then I tell him, do differently next time, watch out.

It’s equally (if not more) difficult not to judge my husband when he makes a poor choice and then gets burnt by it. I hold my mouth shut before the words can pop out on their own, “Well, why didn’t you listen to my advice?” I’ve learned the best way to deal with such a circumstance again is to let the mistake speak for itself. Now I say, “I’m sorry that happened.” We all need the freedom to make mistakes and not have someone laugh at us or judge us. If he’s open to it, I’ll make conversation, “What went wrong? What do you think you could have done differently?” And if necessary, “Do you mind if we try it this way?”

Outside of the home, I find myself set up against a lot of expectations—theirs and especially mine. I’m constantly gauging how I measure up and how others measure up to what might be expected of them. I know one choleric fellow who even divides his acquaintances into “winners” and “losers.” Cholerics have a sense of how the world should work and feel for the most part that our perceptions are mostly correct. That’s because the way we perceive things to work makes so much sense.

Some of us may enjoy arguing with people who disagree with us and are rattled by others who refuse to see things our way. Our unsympathetic tendencies may cause us to be a bit harsher than we should be when we’re putting people in their place. In many cases, we prefer justice over mercy.

Anecdote:

When I was younger, I played Sorry! with my younger siblings one night while on babysitting duty. Though they were younger than me, I thought it would be important to show them some tough love by really trying to win and not giving them any “chances.” After a couple of these “hard lessons” in the game, my little eight-year-old brother sighed and said, “Joce, sometimes you just have to be merciful.”

Reflection:

Emotions are not always easy to deal with, so it may be tempting to ignore them and just stick to the rules. But we have to open ourselves up to how other people may be feeling. Their reactions tell us something important about whether the rule is a just rule and if we’re being fair or excessively harsh. We have to always be ready to make new assessments of our actions based on people’s reactions to them. This adaptability will allow us to know how to react in a variety of different cases, rather than applying a set mode of action for every case.

2. I’m Really Busy: The Choleric Fear of Wasting Time

While melancholics may be known for their love of schedules and organization, phlegmatics for their laziness, and sanguines for their leisure, cholerics are known for the way they fill up every inch of their schedule with something “productive.”

The choleric tendency to be productive is useful in achieving ambitious plans, getting things done on time, and getting others exciting about getting things done. As a result, I sometimes feel like I have no down time, that I’m always busy, and that other people spend a lot of time being lazy. Since I am proud of my heavy work out-put, I tend to value others based on how much time and hard-work they put into their projects as well.

Anecdote:

Into my first year of marriage and having a baby, I was beginning to hit the doldrums. I would fill my time with household chores, cooking, diapering, and spending time with my spouse. I didn’t realize I was becoming resentful, but I did feel like I was less peppy and even a little sad at times. A friend, after hearing me out one day, told me to start taking time for myself—even if it was ten minutes—to simply “waste time” doing something I liked, such as reading a book, playing the violin, drawing, or going for a walk. It was important, he noted, that this task not be practical. I took his advice and started the 10min a day of leisure time. At first it felt really weird and almost irritating to be doing something that felt like I was wasting time. After a while, I saw my mood pick up and I started to relax and be less tense around other people. I was happier and even found I had more things to chat about with my husband and friends.

what I learned:

If we are slave drivers to ourselves, keeping eternally busy with necessary tasks, we will likely become slave drivers to others. No one likes to be around someone who is perpetually busy. The rush, rush, rush of ticking off our checklist is exhilarating, but it might end with damaged relationships—not only with others but also ourselves. It’s mentally healthy to take some time for leisure.

3. Solution Focused: And the choleric disregard for instruction

You might find yourself from time to time getting frustrated with instructions—of any kind. Think about Ikea furniture, recipes, school curricula, driving directions, new laws that don’t work as well as old ones—you name it. We cholerics like to do things our way and don’t always “get” other peoples’ ways of doing things, let alone agree with them.

Not only that, but when we have a goal, we’ll get to it any way we possibly can. It’s similar to the “steamrolling” we are wont to do in getting our way in relationships (see Part 1). When we are solution focused, it’s easy to push the less important, less pressing things out of the way and stick to task, regardless of what other people think and of what they consider to be the right way of doing things.

Anecdote:

When I am cooking, I can’t help but ignore some of the directions. I like to add a bit of this, and remove some of that. My mother, who is phlegmatic/melancholic, cooks as if her kitchen were a chemistry classroom. She watches over my shoulder and double-checks the measurements. When I am at her place, I respect her way of following recipes. But on my own, I give myself the creative space.

Some Thoughts:

A good artist is one who knows how the rules work and where to break them. I want my kids to understand that there is room for personal freedom, but respect for laws, parents, and people in authority comes first.

4. Learning to Forgive—and Forget: The Choleric and Being Vulnerable

It’s stereotypical that the choleric becomes fiery hot when things don’t go her way, but an even bigger fire burns when a choleric has been wronged. Watch out.

Any choleric can probably think of a time when she did not want to forgive someone. It’s not easy to forgive. Sometimes things are broken and cannot be fixed, and with relationships, it feels difficult to imagine how they might be mended. I know for myself that before any thoughts come to mind about mending, I am tempted to seek revenge on the one who has offended me.

Anecdote:

One day, my son Ansgar hit me over the head, and he hit me hard. My choleric self just wanted to punish him immediately. I pulled back and spoke to him sincerely. Then I spoke to him about my feelings, “Mommy feels hurt, Mommy is sad that you hit her.” Then I put him in a time out. But instead of going nicely into the timeout, he fought me. Then I gently but firmly held him on my lap and did the countdown. I spoke to him again about my feelings, about how it is not nice to hurt people. Then in a lightbulb moment I asked him, “Would you like to make Mommy happy again?” He stopped crying and nodded, “Yes.” “Then please tell Mommy sorry and give her a kiss.” His crying stopped and he immediately gave me an apology and kiss, then we held each other in a hug and both felt better.

Some thoughts:

As we have gotten older, we might have become more frightened of our initial visceral reactions and in many cases we might be tempted to repress them. There is real beauty in the choleric’s sense of justice—because justice isn’t just about hammering down, it’s about confronting the problem head-on and making peace. A mature sense of justice is a justice tempered by mercy. To be merciful is to recognize the misery of others—and to relieve it.

While other temperaments may struggle to be confrontational, cholerics are quick to notice the elephant in the room—and deal with it—immediately. The result is that after a little bit of pain, everyone feels better and no hurts are allowed to fester and damage relationships in the long-run.

5. Be Wrong Sometimes: Learning to Counter a Natural Egotism

As a choleric, our natural tendency is to take ourselves pretty seriously. This tendency makes us especially keen to make sure no one is offending our reputation. For example, someone may post a less than flattering photo of us on social media. Instead of just asking them to remove it, we might first be tempted to get into a How dare they! tirade. With our spouse, we may take his dismissal of our opinions or his rejection of our point of view as a personal affront. We want to be consulted and be kept in the loop. Our need for power and control keeps us on the lookout for times when we might not be getting the respect we feel we always and unconditionally deserve.

We may naturally feel superior to others because we are capable of being assertive, getting a task done, confronting the problem, and tackling difficult issues head on. This superwoman sensibility may allow us the illusion of power and self-importance. The consequential emotion to egotism is contempt, one of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse (predictors of divorce):

“Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts yourself on a higher ground than your partner. Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt. Of all the horsemen, contempt is the most serious.”

Anecdote:

I have been living with my in-laws for almost a year. This experience has been a point of maturity for me as we raise our three kids as a family within a family. It has been a helpful but sometimes humbling experience to open myself up to suggestions from my in-laws. There are many ways of going about running a household and raising kids, but I do find myself getting caught up in the thought that I do it better. Last week I was tempted to make a battle over a small issue. But after discussing it with my husband and then sleeping on it, I just let it go. Other times I journal it out and this helps me see if my demands are just my pride talking or if there is a real need. And if there is a real need, there is nothing that clears the air better than talking about it openly.

Helpful Thoughts:

Having another person as a sounding board can be extremely helpful in assessing whether or not we are going on an ego-trip or if there is some injustice we should really confront. If you don’t have anyone to consult with, write the situation down in a journal and wait an hour or a day (when you’ve had a good night’s sleep) before acting. But give yourself the opportunity to act if you need to. I find that repressing concern is more personally painful in the long run than dealing with a problem as soon as reasonably possible.

Also, a sense of humour will blast through any ego-mania. Don’t forget to give yourself a break and let yourself be hilariously wrong sometimes. Laugh at yourself. Say sorry as often as necessary.

6. An Intense and Passionate Presence

What is one way of knowing someone is alive?

We know someone is alive by their responsiveness to stimuli.

Cholerics are very responsive. And sometimes, when we get really excited about something, it’s like we’re on fire (in a good way!)—we feel very alive. In these moments, we are in a great position to set others on fire too with a renewed desire for life, creativity, love, and fullness of being. People love this aspect of our temperament.

All people, of any temperament, feel more alive when their presence, ideas, or actions are responded to. Nothing kills a mood like emotional indifference. And we cholerics find it hard to be indifferent. Let’s celebrate that.

Anecdote:

I know a choleric mom who is always so excited about what her kids are up to and of what new projects the family is doing. Her enthusiasm and charisma unite her family and get them excited about doing things together. After they got their dream hobby farm, they discovered there are a lot of outdoor chores to be done on top of the regular cooking and cleaning. But she doesn’t let this burden get her down. It’s as if the more her life is full, the more alive she becomes. Her kids in response to her enthusiasm don’t go reluctantly to their chores, they happily collect eggs when they are asked, get greens from the garden or milk the cow.

FInal thoughts:

Not every moment is a good one to show the intensity of our being. Sometimes we get so riled up we forget to calm down and just listen and be present with others. There is so much to be learned through mindfulness or contemplation. Contemplation is the ability to be present with a willingness and an openness to listen. It is a skill practiced by people who dedicate their lives to silence (like religious sisters and brothers) but it is also a skill that promotes a silence in the mind that leaves a small corner open for newness, for the other, for the unknown.

You know someone who has this stillness within them by their presence: when they are in the room with us, we feel calm—not hurried or anxious. This kind of person has the ability to draw the best from us, but also to inspire us to be more ourselves. I think this is the most mature form of an “intense and passionate presence.” A presence that draws people forward to a better idea of themselves, accompanying them and respecting their freedom.