In 2018 the United Kingdom appointed a Minister of Loneliness. The position was funny perhaps to some and for others a welcome surprise. There is an “epidemic of loneliness” (as many are calling it) that is not only contained within the UK. In Canada, almost one-quarter of the population experiences “desolation”--a kind of loneliness which is derived from infrequent contact or poor relationships. In the US three in five Americans (61%) were lonely in 2019, up from 54% in 2018.

An extensive survey by the Angus Reid Institute, conducted in partnership with think tank Cardus, found that:

33% of Canadians say they’re not sure they could count on anyone for emergency financial help.
18% of Canadians say they’re not certain they could lean on anyone during a personal crisis.

Furthermore, the 2020 Cigna Loneliness report in the US found that:

38% of respondents feel that they do not have close personal relationships with other people.

These results are startling, especially in the current atmosphere of Covid19, when people are needing to socially distance themselves in order to protect the vulnerable. As our economies slip into a decline, there may be a lot of people needing help who feel they have no one to reach out to.

Motherhood and Loneliness

Even before measures were put in place to reduce social contact for Covid19, mothers--especially new mothers--were at high risk of mental illness due to social isolation and loneliness. A 2018 UK survey of more than 2,000 mothers found that 90% of mothers felt lonely after having children and 54% felt “friendless” after giving birth (See article here). Research in the Journal of Perinatal Education (2019) attests that 55% of new mothers mourn the loss of their pre-baby social life and experience social isolation and loneliness. The 2020 Cigna report writes: “People playing the role of primary caregiver are more likely to report that they lack companionship, have no one to turn to, feel alone, left out and isolated.”

Isolation vs. Loneliness

There is a distinction between social isolation and loneliness. Social isolation refers to the number and frequency of connections a person has with other people. Loneliness refers to how satisfied a person feels about these connections. Social isolation may be caused by circumstance: living in a remote area, working from home, or not having the opportunity to meet people. Loneliness, on the other hand, may be caused by:

A lack of social support and infrequent meaningful social interactions
Negative feelings about one’s personal relationships
Poor physical and mental health
A lack of “balance” in one’s daily activities – doing too much or too little of any given thing (e.g., sleep, work)

(See full article here).

Loneliness and a Lack of “Balance”

The Cigna survey asks its participants to self-assess whether they feel they have slept overmuch or too little, worked overmuch or too little, spent too much time with family or too little. Based on these self-perceptions, researchers are able to gauge what is or is not correlated to a person’s sense of loneliness. Generally speaking, people who self-perceive that their health and life are in balance feel less lonely.

I think this research points to an important aspect of loneliness, which is self-perception. Mothers are faced with the very difficult task of raising a newborn, which is a physically and emotionally demanding job that offers little to no rest. The demands on the mother, all of them, can cause her to feel like she is lacking in what she needs--sleep perhaps being the main one, emotional support another. Since her life is out of balance, she may not feel like she is in a position to make new friends. And she may find that she has difficulty relating to her old friends who have never experienced the weight of new motherhood. So the new mother may choose to socially isolate herself until she “feels better” or “feels like herself again.” As the mother’s health improves, she experiences new hurdles with her newborn and again may feel like she has to overcome these before she reaches out.

As one author puts it: “it’s hard to go on a neighbourhood networking spree when you’re sleep deprived, stitched together and a shadow of your regular self.”

Craving the Past Self

I imagine I am not the only mother who, after the birth of my first child, felt like my life would never be the same again. It was difficult trying to figure out what would change and what could remain the same. Would I have to give up all my old hobbies? Would my husband still be attracted to me now that I was a mother? Would I ever get in shape again? Would I ever be able to go out for longer than an hour without feeling exhausted?

Living on little sleep stretches you, and that little “boss baby” demands of us a maturity that we haven’t yet acquired. Putting someone else’s needs before our own makes us come face to face with our selfishness. Let’s just say, becoming a mother has made me realize I’m not as nice as a person as I thought I was.

Recently I went out for a playdate at a friend’s house. She has a son and daughter (both toddlers), and she had invited another mother, who had a toddler. My friend made us all lunch and the kids played very nicely together. But when I decided it was time to leave, my boys refused to leave and refused to dress, so I had to carry them one by one without hats/boots/coat through the rain into the van. Once I had strapped them into their seats, I forced a smile to my friends, who had been staring at me wide-eyed through the whole ordeal.

I had kept calm, but I was embarrassed and frustrated. My kids had never acted that way before. But kids are highly unpredictable. My life used to be very predictable. So to say in the least, new moms are not always confident about the woman they have become. Not all of us are confident about disciplining in public. Or about keeping our cool in stressful circumstances.

I know that sometimes social media gives us the impression that other moms get it when we don’t. We are all constantly learning (and re-learning).

Some Solutions to the Isolation Epidemic Among Mothers

Social isolation is a problem for moms, but I think sometimes when moms get together, they are afraid to open up and share their problems. Everyone is afraid of being judged. It doesn’t help that many of us have held-fast opinions on the hot button issues: sleep, nutrition, discipline, schooling, and child care options. It is extremely refreshing to come across another person who is in agreement with us on all these issues. The feeling of relief is followed by a feeling of pure kinship. But it’s difficult to find these people. Most moms probably make do with superficial chit-chat because that’s good enough. No one has the energy to get into a heated discussion on something they’re not willing to budge on.

My mother-in-law hosts a Neeje mom’s group that I think does a great job in helping people open up and share their opinions. Every month we get together and discuss a topic while she--the veteran mom--acts as a moderator. Then afterwards we enjoy a potluck together. In this environment, moms feel like they can open up. The focus is not about finding the best strategy, but on learning from each other, and hearing each other’s stories. Or simply convalescing.

But I think even our group attracts like-minded mothers. It’s only natural. Since I’ve become a mother, I feel less inclined than I did when I was in university to spend time with people who are extremely different from myself. It’s not that I’m less open-minded, I’m just more tired. It costs less energy to spend time with someone who already agrees with me because I know there won’t be any emotionally stressful disagreements. And as the mother of three toddlers, I have my fill of daily, emotionally stressful disagreements.

So I think we should just accept it: let’s hang out with other mothers who share similar values to ours. Let’s open up with these mothers about our opinions with an openness to learn.

When we’ve recovered, or rather when we feel up to it (and maybe without the kids), it’s fun to get out and engage with people who have varied worldviews. For me, that might look like a phone call to an old friend, a night out with Gerhard’s colleagues or even more simply--reading a book that I wouldn’t normally read that has nothing to do with parenting.

Becoming a Good Friend

Positive self-perception is the first part of the loneliness issue, and the second part is developing quality friendships. The quality of our relationships does not depend on the amount of times a person is in contact with another person, but on how they interact.

I grew up as a lonely kid. Though I was in a large family, I didn’t know how to connect with my siblings. When I was at school, I had friends, but I knew something was missing in our friendships. It wasn’t until I got to high school that someone mercifully explained to me what it means to be a friend.

Being a friend has less to do with how well you think the other person likes you than what we confidently feel we can offer the other person. As it was explained to me, a friend is a person who cares.

People show that they care by:

-being responsive to the other person’s emotions

-greeting the other person warmly when they see them

-speaking kindly to the person, and defending them when they are not present

-showing a desire to be with the other person by setting up times to see them in-person

-if the other person is remote, remembering to send regular emails, phone calls, or letters

-remembering the things that the other person likes

-phoning them on their birthday, giving a gift, or even hosting a party for the person

-giving cards or gifts on holidays or another occasion

-telling the other person that you love or like them

With social media, I can say that I have forgotten a few of these friendship “rules.” It’s too easy to feel like we are connected because I can see what new things they have done and what they are up to. I really must confess (to do better): it is not enough to post “happy birthday” or text “happy birthday” to a friend we consider close. We have to try to do more for the people we really care about because people are suffering from loneliness.

Referenced in Article:

Angus Reid and Cardus Loneliness Report

Cigna 2020 Loneliness Report (pdf)

Some Solutions to the Loneliness Epidemic Among Mothers