Women Want Reassurance
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In my last blog post, I wrote about how men want respect, which is the key theme in Shaunti Feldhahn’s groundbreaking book For Women Only. Now in For Men Only, Shaunti teams up with her husband Jeff to help men understand women.
For men only
By Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn
This article is a summary of Jeff and Shaunti’s first point in helping men understand women better.
Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are best-selling authors, popular speakers and nationally-renowned social researchers. Fourteen years ago this average couple stumbled over some things they just didn’t “get” about each other. They have used their analytical background to help other semi-confused couples decode each other ever since.
first point in understanding women: Many Women are Insecure
Women are concerned with relationships. Jeff notes that seven out of ten women feel that their love relationship is “occasionally to always on their minds.” Furthermore, when women feel insecure about their love relationship, the feelings can be intense--from feeling anxious, preoccupied, emotionally withdrawn, undervalued, to full out depressed.
“Do you love me?” she asks. “Sure,” he says, “I told you so at our wedding.”
Many men may be surprised to know that women need to hear the three magic words often in order to feel comfortable in their love relationship. Squabbles, disagreements, rude behaviour, bad attitudes get women all tangled up and feeling like “things are not okay.” It’s difficult to just ignore these behaviours and to not take them personally. Women need to talk it out before fears get a hold of them and make the situation worse.
Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight does a brilliant job of boiling down the arguments in marriage to one fundamental question--are we okay? Once that question has been answered in the positive, then the couple can actually start tackling bigger issues at hand.
Dr. Sue Johnson
Heralded by the New York Times and Time magazine as the couple therapy with the highest rate of success, Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it views the love relationship as an attachment bond. This idea, once controversial, is now supported by science, and has become widely popular among therapists around the world.
What triggers women’s insecurities?
Here are 4 of the main triggers that leave women feeling insecure:
Conflict:
A husband and wife are getting ready to have some company over. Nerves are high and the clock is ticking, but the main course still hasn’t finished cooking and the table hasn’t been set. The wife hurries over to move the table. The husband enters the room at the same time as the leg pops off. He immediately gets upset with his wife for being so careless. She’s irritated by his poor reaction, can’t he see that she’s under pressure? Now not only is she overwhelmed about the dinner and the table, she’s also irritated by his lack of compassion.
2. Withdrawal:
After the party, the husband and wife tidy up. The wife tells her husband that she is upset with him about how he handled that mini-crisis. He angrily gives an apology and storms out to another room. She is left fuming and frustrated. Now how can they make things better?
3. Silence:
The next day, the husband returns from work and is quieter than usual. She has spent the whole day musing about the conflict and wondering if he is still upset with her. Since he had been in a hurry to leave that morning, they hadn’t had a chance to talk things out. While he had had a difficult day at the office and was worn and tired from the party the night before, he had completely forgotten about the conflict she was worrying over. His silence, and the day she’s had to deliberate over the feelings repeatedly, are a recipe for heightened anxiety.
4. Her Emotional Bank Account is Empty:
That evening, after supper, they begin a small chit chat about the events of the day. His attention wanders as he thinks about the big work project deadline. She takes it as a cue that he is withdrawing again and that he is still upset. When she makes a comment about plans they have for the weekend, he responds with surprise: “I didn’t know we made plans.” All of a sudden, a blow-out argument takes place… that has nothing to do with the weekend, but everything to do with the fact that she is feeling emotionally depleted and has not had any reassurance yet that they are still okay.
For men, the moral of this story is:
In the face of insecurity, reassure her.
Even after you’ve caught her, continue to pursue her.
For women, the moral of this story is:
Forgive quickly and do not allow resentment to build.
Give him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain his side of the story.
Play Defense: Four Easy Ways to Reassure Her
Jeff Feldhahn gives men some ideas as to how you can go about reassuring your wife when she looks like she is acting insecure:
From their survey, the Feldhahn’s asked:
In an emotional conflict, if your husband initiates steps to reassure you of his love, how much does it help diminish any turmoil you are feeling?
95% of women answered that this reassurance would help diminish or even eliminate the emotional turmoil that they feel during conflict.
Reassurance really is as simple as saying, “Honey, we’re okay.”
2. Here’s how one woman explains it: “We don’t see ourselves as being that intimidating or ‘prickly’ when we are upset, but I guess we are. If he would just move toward me rather than away--if he would just take a deep breath and hug me instead of retreating--he’d see those porcupine quills melt.”
So, give that porcupine a hug.
3. Women need to talk things out. For guys, hearing about problems might be uncomfortable, but you have to understand--there might not be any problem at all! She just needs you as a sounding board to help untangle the emotional mess she’s in. She needs you and she trusts that you can help her out.
“I Need to Talk” doesn’t mean “I have a Problem with You”
4. In the midst of emotional turmoil, we women are not always able to express in words the anguish that we feel. Sometimes that anguish translates into contentious, aggravating, push-you-away behaviour. If you see your wife doing this, she wants your reassurance big time, and she has probably been wanting this reassurance for a while. It might sound crazy, but reach out to her in one of these moments--listen to her, hug her, be with her, be patient--and she will be so overwhelmed with gratitude that she’ll look for a way to pay you back a hundred times over. Think of these moments as golden opportunities for your relationship. While conflict might be uncomfortable, they are also moments for great intimacy.
Keep Reassuring Her, No Matter What.
Play Offense: Heal Past Insecurities and Prevent Future Ones
Back in the day, you and your loved one spoke for hours on the phone, or Skype, or text messaged each other endlessly. You flirted and dressed your best. You went to nice places just to be together. Now you are both caught up with work, kids, bills, and your personal projects. When you have a moment together, it’s quick, short, and will probably be interrupted.
What does it look like to “date” your spouse?
-keep up the date nights
-read about the love languages
-schedule time for intimacy
-cuddle
-hold hands
-chat before going to bed, or over your morning coffee
-laugh over a funny movie
-go for a walk
-ask to help them with something
-ask them about their day
My Thoughts on the Feldhahn’s Findings
I think we can also find big moments as well as little ones to prove to our spouse that they can depend on us. These are:
-showing up for important events in our spouse’s life
-keeping promises
-remembering important appointments
-giving a gift at Christmas/Birthday/Valentine’s/Mother’s Day
-making time for a vacation together/with the family
-making family a priority in our spending choices
One moment in our marriage that I’ll never forget is the day that our first son, Ansgar, was born. This is the day that I learned to trust Gerhard like I had never trusted him before. He was in charge of talking with the nurses and doctor, calling the midwife, suggesting pain medication (and reading up on them before we came to the hospital). But he went over and above: he stayed beside me the whole time, held my hand, helped me relax, told me funny stories, and suffered with me as I went through the most intense pain in my (our) life.
Afterward, our relationship was different--and not just because of the new baby--I had seen him in action, I knew from experience that my man could be there for me when I needed him most. The insecurities that used to plague me diminished and our relationship took on ease it never had before.
Theories of Attachment
In the last 40-50 years there have been a lot of people studying human bonding. Dr. Sue Johnson claims that we have “broken the code” of love--there is so much information now on what can improve a love relationship.
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, holding someone’s hand is enough to turn off signals of pain and fear, as in my own experience giving birth. Dr. Johnson encourages couples to recognize when the red flag of a fight has been raised, to back down, soothe your partner, and let them know that you are not trying to attack. Then the conversation can be started again without the intense fear of receiving crippling criticism from the person we love the most.
Emotions and the Brain
I feel the results and analysis of the Feldhahn’s surveys paints a surface picture of a woman’s need for love and reassurance. It doesn’t explain why so many women suffer from insecurities in love, and some men as well.
This excerpt from an article in Psychology Today explains that the makeup of women’s brains encourages them to ruminate on emotional memories more than men:
The female brain, in part thanks to far more natural blood flow throughout the brain at any given moment (more white matter processing), and because of a higher degree of blood flow in a concentration part of the brain called the cingulate gyrus, will often ruminate on and revisit emotional memories more than the male brain.
Males, in general, are designed a bit differently. Males tend, after reflecting more briefly on an emotive memory, to analyze it somewhat, then move onto the next task. During this process, they may also choose to change course and do something active and unrelated to feelings rather than analyze their feelings at all. Thus, observers may mistakenly believe that boys avoid feelings in comparison to girls or move to problem-solving too quickly.
While I feel all women should grow in emotional security and confidence (myself included), I think the awareness of our insecurities helps us to not give in to them. If our brains are designed to dwell on emotional memories, let’s look for ways to improve our mental health and avoid the pitfalls of self-pity and fear. Some ways that we can use to help untangle the emotions and see reality more objectively is to journal our thoughts out, talk over events with a trusted friend (or mother, pastor, counselor), and to take advantage of our husband’s abilities and care.
As Dr. Johnson explains, stress is more manageable when it is handled with somebody than alone. In what she calls a “hold me tight” moment, a wife opens up to her husband about her fears, needs, and asks him to answer those needs in a way that brings them both together. She begins awkwardly, maybe, explaining why it is difficult to voice her insecurities aloud. Then she explains how she feels as best as she can, and asks for reassurance of her husband’s love. The husband’s positive reaction results in the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin, which floods both husband and wife with a feeling of well-being. Oxytocin is the same hormone that is released during sexual intercourse. Its side-effects are relaxation, trust, and psychological stability (See article here).
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If you would like more resources on overcoming relationship insecurities, I recommend:
-Dr. Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy
Excerpts from my article are taken from this video: “Dr. Sue Johnson - How to Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification”
-The Gottman Institute, A Research-Based Approach to Relationships
“Your Attachment Style Influences the Success of Your Relationship”
-Dr. Sears, Attachment Parenting
-Martha and William Sears, The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby
Many liberties were taken in my summary of For Men Only, and some of the anecdotes are my own. I highly recommend reading the book, or the companion, For Women Only.