Sex After Kids: 10 Ways to Improve Your Love Life
It’s your wedding anniversary, and what are you doing? You’ve finally managed to scrape the paint off the table and now you see your child has just peed through his pants and the other one is sticking crayons in the toaster. Some nights you and your husband do laundry together. It’s hard to remember those carefree days of dating when you just couldn’t wait to get started making a family.
Well, here it is.
Amidst the work schedule, house chores, and people managing, we stop and ask, so where’s the romance?
But let’s be optimists for a moment. More than optimists, let’s be dreamers. Over the last few years working on articles for this site, we’ve come across articles, books, and resources that claim there are some small things we can do to allow that romance back in. Things that are actually possible, may require a bit of effort, but have a lot of payoff.
So let’s talk about sex. The best sex, the kind of sex that creates positive momentum in our relationship, and the kind of relationship that creates positive momentum in our sex life. An all-around better picture of our life.
Before we start, I want to say thanks to all the contributors for providing “his and her” thoughts to all the points made below. We appreciate your honesty and openness! To all our readers: Please add your own comments, we’d love to hear if these points ring true for you and your marriage as well.
1. Increase Emotional Engagement
Being attentive to each other means paying attention to our spouse’s needs and stressors. In other words, it means taking our spouse’s bids to connect, as John Gottman writes. Bids can be nonverbal like “the look,” or verbal like a sigh. When we notice that our partner wants our attention, we should notice and take action.
In his groundbreaking research, Gottman discovered that successful couples answer each other’s bids for attention most of the time. This culture of connection in marriage builds a foundation of trust and leads to a more satisfying sex life.
His Thoughts:
I think it's important to connect during the day, it helps me feel more stable in our relationship. If she texted me at work and it's positive, I can feel relaxed going home. If I left and we weren't on good terms, sometimes I dread going home. It's about building positive momentum.
When we're at home, I like catching her eye, a smile, a wink, just some way to say I see you and you're important to me.
Her thoughts:
I love receiving a heart emoji from him during the day, a physical hug, or other signs of affection like a gift, but even just when he stops to ask me how my day went or if I slept well. It really warms me up to saying yes to lovemaking later on when I see that he’s attentive to me.
If we haven’t had time to connect during the day, or he’s been so distracted with work or scrolling articles on his phone, then I don’t want to give him the time of day. Saying “no” is my way of saying you didn’t pursue me. I like to see that he has made an effort, that I’m not just easy game.
2. show desire for each other
Shaunti Feldhahn’s research shows that more than frequency, men are looking for emotional engagement during sex. Just having sex isn’t enough. They want to feel wanted and desired by their wife. When their wife shows desire, men feel more confident about the relationship. For men, emotionally engaged sex counteracts fears, any kind of stress, and personal loneliness.
Women, on the other hand, are looking for emotional engagement outside of sex in order to feel more connected during sex. This can look like paying attention to her bids for attention, telling her frequently “I love you”, and assuring her after a fight that “we’re okay.”
Dr. Popcack writes in Holy Sex that the wife should become a student of her husband and the husband should become a student of his wife. This openness and trust—not to mention vulnerability—allows each of us to honestly share our needs and deep dive into greater intimacy.
His thoughts:
It matters to me that she's emotionally engaged when we're having sex, that she seems really responsive to my touch and seems like she's really into [the lovemaking]. When she's into it like that I feel like I really matter to her and it makes me feel good about our relationship.
Her thoughts:
It takes time for me to get warmed up. Sometimes I want one thing, sometimes I want another. I’m not ready to “go” after a full day’s work being emotionally maxed out. Having some down time first, relaxing together, especially talking and reconnecting, really helps me get into the mood.
Her thoughts:
Lots of foreplay. And what happens during the day also matters: text messages, phone calls, and compliments.
Her thoughts:
After cuddles matter to me: if he just turns over and goes to sleep, I feel a little like I've been used. I like the buildup and the cool down.
3. Take Care of Your Appearance
A friend texted me one night, “Can you call me?” She had just read Shaunti Feldhahn’s research in For Women Only, the chapter titled, “Keeper of the Photo Files” and was completely disturbed. Feldhahn cites research on how men tend to be more visual than women, that they retain photos of sightly women in their minds and sometimes can’t help looking at attractive women. My friend was anxious that her husband might have an affair.
As I brought this point up with my husband, he figured that from a man’s point of view, affairs don’t just happen that easily. In his own words: “Affairs happen not because someone more beautiful comes along but because the relationship is falling apart. Not being able to help noticing beautiful women doesn't go beyond that, noticing them.”
His thoughts:
It is important that a wife takes care of herself. If she stops taking care of herself, the husband may ask himself what went wrong. It strains the relationship by making him feel that she might not be interested in the relationship or in me, her husband.
Women like to be pursued, so they should make an effort to be attractive. But there is more to it than the physical attraction, I appreciate my wife for her personality. The physical appearance aspect is important, not the only thing I love about her. I like my partner for where she is now, the mother of our children–and I'm not wishing that she were 20 again. I consider her appearance in the context of our relationship and what we're living right now.
It matters to me emotionally that she makes the effort. It puts me in a good mood and makes me more positive about our relationship when I see her make an effort to look nice.
Her thoughts:
When I dress well, I feel more attractive and more interested in being romanced. I like the feeling of knowing and hearing that I am attractive to him. I like when he notices that I’ve made an effort to put on something nice, do my hair, or paint my nails. It’s important for me to hear compliments frequently because it gives me assurance that he’s still into me and that the relationship is alright. It also stops me from being tempted to look elsewhere for attention, whether online on social media or among friends or acquaintances. It also helps me know that his eyes are on me, that he’s committed, and that he’s not interested in looking elsewhere.
Now I must say, I wish he knew how much hygiene matters to me: deodorant, fresh breath, and that awful foot odour. I am much more willing to say yes to being intimate if he has taken care of his hygiene! It also gives me pleasure to know that he exercises and takes care of his body through not overeating and not overdrinking. This matters to me because I have to bear the consequences of his not taking care of himself, it becomes a problem for me and an issue between us. It matters because if he stops taking care of his health, then it’s harder for me to take care of mine and it poses potential health problems for the future. And also, it’s attractive to see the discipline of exercise and good eating habits. I know men tend to be more visual, but it bothers me if he’s overweight. And if it bothers me, it’s hard to keep it out of my mind.
Her thoughts:
Because my husband is such a gentleman in the way he acts towards me, I really love pleasing him and trust him with my body completely. He doesn’t watch porn, let his eyes stray, watch risky movies etc. This makes me feel very special that he takes our marriage vows seriously and I trust him.
4. Have Sex Frequently
Some couples struggle to find a frequency of lovemaking that works for them. Sometimes it’s a question of libido difference, or otherwise of work-life balance. Some choose to abstain for periods of time following a natural fertility program. As Jordan Peterson poignantly writes, the answer to the sex question should not be “no sex.” A stable marriage necessitates a sex life. Rather it’s about agreeing to a rhythm that works. For a typical couple with kids, jobs, and other activities, Peterson argues that once or twice a week is a good rhythm.
His thoughts:
The more regularly we make love, the better I am able to take care of her needs while lovemaking. If it's been a while, I know that when we come together it will be more passionate, sparks are rekindled. But when we have more frequent sex I can slow down and be more attentive to her needs and do more things that she finds pleasurable without orgasming so quickly.
Her thoughts:
There are sometimes that I don’t feel like it, usually if I’m tired, but I know how important it is to my spouse, so I embrace it as an opportunity to love my spouse even more. And I never regret it.
Her thoughts:
The less we make love, the less I feel interested in it! Life is so full sometimes that I could get used to making love infrequently and I would be fine with it. I know some people who have taken a year break even. But my husband would never stand for that. And I get it, because other times, I want to make love but he's tired and stressed and doesn't seem into it, and therefore he seems less into me. I might feel tempted to look elsewhere for attention.
5. Meet each other’s deepest needs
Jeff and Shaunti’s research show that a man’s deepest need is to feel respected, and a woman’s deepest need is to be loved. Whether these deepest needs are regularly being met ultimately affects sexual intimacy.
What is respect? Respect is the ability to let another person make choices and take responsibility for their own actions. It’s also the admiration we feel for another person’s abilities, qualities, and achievements. (See our article on respect here.)
What kind of loving does my wife crave? In marriage, women need reassurance about the relationship regularly. They want to hear the magic words “I love you” frequently, and they want to be told “we’re ok” after a big fight. It’s important for a woman, especially if she has children, to feel that her husband is emotionally committed to her in order to offset feelings of insecurity and vulnerability in the face of change or stress. (Read more about women’s #1 need in a relationship here.)
As Dr. Sue Johnson explains, stress is more manageable when it is handled with somebody than alone. In what she calls a “hold me tight” moment, a wife opens up to her husband about her fears and needs and asks him to answer those needs in a way that brings them both together. She begins awkwardly, maybe, explaining why it is difficult to voice her insecurities aloud. Then she explains how she feels as best as she can, and asks for reassurance of her husband’s love. The husband’s positive reaction results in the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin, which floods both husband and wife with a feeling of well-being.
Men primarily get oxytocin released during sexual intercourse. Oxytocin’s side-effects are relaxation, trust, and psychological stability (see more here), which is why men crave sex not just for physical pleasure, but also as a way to feel emotionally connected with their spouse. A man feels like he “puts himself out there” when he asks his spouse to make love, so feeling like his deepest relationship needs are respected goes a long way to making him feel like he matters.
His thoughts:
Without respect, sex becomes a selfish game where we both try to get what we can out of it.
Her thoughts:
I want to be reassured frequently that you love me for me and that when you're asking to make love you’re not just scratching an itch.
6. Become each other’s best friend
We often talk in our culture about becoming our spouse’s best friend. This seems like an ideal. However, Dr. Popcack notes that some couples start to feel “incest taboo”--their relationship has become so great that their romance suffers. So some people have an aversion to getting too friendly with their spouse.
John Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that friendship is foundational to a good sex life. Friendship includes mutual respect and the simple enjoyment of each other’s company. In simple terms, it can look like general kind regard for each other. In conversation, this friendship is shown in curiosity about each other’s lives and the vulnerability of opening up to each other. Discussing the logistics of housework and what to do on the weekend is not enough to develop a friendship. Rather, understanding why our spouse feels the way they do and what experiences (positive or negative) brought them there is a good method for building a friendly intimacy.
His thoughts:
Other than my spouse, there is no one else I go out of my way to open myself up to. There are some things I would definitely talk to friends about, but even then there are still some things that I would only talk to my wife about, like our parenting, kids, finances—but also fears and insecurities.
Her thoughts:
When we were friends, my husband didn’t want to ask me out because he thought I was “like a sister” to him. He was afraid things would change too much. But actually, having someone as my husband who is like family made it impossible for me to “perform”--he already knew who I was and I didn’t need to make an act of it. So I felt like we could be real with each other. I didn't get those fuzzy feelings that allowed me to turn him into a fantasy.
Her thoughts:
Over the years, my husband and I have become more united with each other. We talk about everything. Though we share different passions, we try out each other’s hobbies just to spend time together. Being supported and feeling cared for in every aspect of our lives instills real trust. Therefore when making love we can be totally ourselves and don’t feel like we need to perform.
7. add it to your schedule
Having a regular date night means putting some time aside every week to spend time together as a couple, alone, and without the kids. It might include going out but it could also be a nice glass of wine together at home. The idea is to spend time together so that each spouse feels like their relationship is a priority above all the logistics of running a home, work deadlines, and family needs.
Jordan Peterson recommends four hours together per week, as well as 90min of conversation discussing plans and addressing needs. This amount of time can be broken up over a few days.
Of course, that brings us to the point of scheduling sex.
One person we interviewed commented, “Isn’t it a bit awkward to schedule sex?”
His thoughts:
I know not just intellectually that sex is good for the relationship, but countless experiences tell me that it is. We’re always doing things for each other, I take time to listen to her late in the evening when I’m tired, and I know that sometimes making love is an effort for her, but it matters so much to me. She needs the emotional engagement, and I need the physical love to feel connected with her. It’s not something we should do, but it’s something we like to do.
Her thoughts:
When we started scheduling sex, I noticed that morning of, he would be especially kind to me, and then would text me throughout the day. At night, while I was putting our kids to bed, he was cleaning up our room, brushing his teeth, and lighting a candle. Sure, spontaneous sex is fun, but scheduled sex is also pretty special.
Her thoughts:
Our regular date night also became our regular sex night, something which I didn’t like because it put me under pressure to say yes everytime. It felt expected and not gratuitous. I was grumbly about it. But then, what would happen often is that after a nice evening together either chatting or watching a favourite TV show, I would usually be up for it even though initially I was wanting to say “no” at first.
8. love your spouse the way he/she wants to be loved
Knowing our spouse’s love language is like holding the key to unlocking their love. When we speak the love language that our spouse most wants, we are saying, “I am making an effort to show you that I love you.”
The 5 Love Languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation: what your spouse says and how they say it matters. You appreciate written expressions of love and affection.
2. Quality Time: you like to spend time with your spouse, either with a hobby or just chatting over coffee. It matters to you that your spouse listens attentively and with undivided attention.
3. Receiving Gifts: you like the thoughtfulness of a spontaneous present or the meaningfulness of a carefully thought-out expensive purchase. It matters that he/she remembers and puts an effort into birthdays and anniversaries.
4. Acts of Service: you like it when your spouse offers to help do a chore for you. It matters to you that they help out around the house and run errands, it makes you feel like your needs are being noticed and met.
5. Physical Touch: You need and like to be physically close to your partner, whether through a healthy sex life or with little gestures of affection throughout the day. It matters to you that your spouse reaches out to hold your hand, or that he/she gives you a kiss before going to bed.
You can learn more about the 5 love languages here.
His thoughts:
My love language is physical touch, so when we're making love there’s a positive feedback loop–lovemaking, feeling loved, which makes me want to be intimate with my spouse. When we're taking a break, for whatever reason, I need to find ways to keep the physical intimacy without being sexual so I don't feel like I'm being neglected even though we've both agreed to abstain. Connecting physically in non-sexual ways is also meaningful to me.
His Thoughts:
My love language is gifts. When my spouse gets me a present I feel important to her and that she cares for me. This puts me in a positive frame of mind and more attracted to my spouse.
Her thoughts:
The fact that my husband works from home 90% of the time, makes it possible for him to be hyper-involved in the daily parenting with our kids. He also helps take care of our household chores by pitching in various ways. I never feel left alone despite me being the one who is mainly in charge of the tidiness of our house.
Her thoughts:
It’s so important to me that when he talks, he’s not looking at his phone! It’s taken some time for him to understand, even a few fights. I think he gets it, but when it does happen occasionally, I feel like I’m not important to him.
9. Seek Peace
The book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High argues about the importance of finding Mutual Purpose as a way of concluding an argument. Sometimes the more crucial the conversation, the less likely we are to engage in dialogue for fear of messing up and making things worse. But when we refuse to have crucial conversations, we jeopardize not only our relationships but we can even compromise our personal health. That being said, we don’t have to solve all our relationship problems at once! And as Gottman writes, there are perpetual problems that have to do with personality differences or different lifestyle needs. These differences can be recognized through deeper knowledge of self and each other. For example, knowing each other’s dominant temperament can help avoid many needless, repetitive arguments.
In his latest book, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson argues for the necessity of seeking peace, and the dismal results if you don’t. Working through problems in our sex life necessitates both the willingness to communicate and the vulnerability to express our deepest needs.
His thoughts:
In the area of sex I don't think there are any couples that have matching sex drives and expectations. Working through those differences is necessary in order to have a great sex life. Sometimes that might mean doing things you might not enjoy but helps your partner feel loved.
We've hit a couple points in our sex life when things were feeling mechanical and switching the focus to the relationship has helped tremendously. The willingness to try new things, being vulnerable to suggest something, being vulnerable to explain why we don't like something, has really helped us love each other more and feel more loved when we're lovemaking.
Her thoughts:
At the beginning of our marriage, I didn’t like to talk about sex. He would say things like, “Why are you doing that?” And it felt awkward to explain to him things like what it looked and felt like for me to orgasm. But as we get to know each other better and became more vulnerable, it’s nothing for me to talk to him about these things. I like that we can talk about everything, from fears and doubts, to our sexual needs.
10. show Reverence
Having a sense that sex is sacred is akin to believing that what you are doing is more than physically important, it also has a spiritual dimension. It’s also the awareness that sex is the greatest thing we can do to be united as a couple. Something sacred is something “set apart” and treated with the highest respect. It is a reenactment of our marriage vows, a full “yes” with our mind, soul, heart, and body. When we get to the point where we can integrate every part of ourselves into the marital act, we will reach a whole new level of satisfaction. This is the argument that Dr. Gregory Popcack makes in his book Holy Sex and which I describe in more detail in our article The Sexuality Continuum.
His Thoughts:
Keeping sex sacred, or holding the marital act with reverence, helps protect against it becoming a cheap social activity. It strengthens the interaction. It prevents me from treating my spouse as an object for my satisfaction and pleasure. By keeping sex as something sacred, there’s a weight there, you could create another human being—if you want. It helps me keep in mind that the act is something amazing in what it can do--the creation of new life, bonding and pleasure—but it does come with responsibility, both for a new life as well as for my spouse.
Her thoughts:
I love that our sex life is exclusive, I don’t chat about it with anyone and I like to keep it private. That’s part of my keeping it “sacred”. I think it’s easy to just see sex as simply another thing to do, another thing on my checklist, another demand. But when I allow myself to really think deeply about it, it’s significance, the way we feel more united. It’s such a private thing, I love that about it. Something only we can do together. I really enjoy those moments of bonding, aware of the fact that this is the best thing we can do for our relationship. I know emotionally so many other things get tied into it and expectations, but to allow it not to be perfect has been freeing for me. To focus on the things I can control, like learning to love my spouse more in the day really helps. I feel like when I am into it (mind, soul, heart) and not just my body, I get more out of it. And he notices too.