The Sexuality Continuum
We are Amazon Associates, which means that you can help our show by clicking on any link to an Amazon product and purchasing a product. We are not being sponsored by any of the products that we promote, we only endorse them because we like them.
Let’s face it—it can be awkward to talk about sex. And problematically, there may not be someone we feel comfortable talking to about the intimate aspects of our marriage.
That’s why I was so happy when some friends of ours introduced us to Holy Sex by Dr. Gregory Popcack, PhD. In this book, Dr. Popcack gives an informative, grounded approach to love-making inspired by the Bible and the Theology of the Body. He also includes numerous anecdotes taken from his clinical practice with couples from all walks of life.
Dr. Popcack’s main argument is that a good sex life doesn’t just happen, it has to be negotiated (see my article on Jordan Peterson on Rule X). He argues that good sex is the result of overcoming shame, growing in an intentional relationship with our spouse, and being willing to experience the sacred.
In the first part of this sex series, I summarized Dr. Popcack’s first few chapters on what personal growth looks like in order to become what he calls an “infallible lover,” that is, someone who integrates their mind, body, relational, emotional, and spiritual self into their sexuality. In this Part 2 of my summary of Holy Sex, I describe the Sexuality Continuum, a helpful framework for assessing where an individual and a couple are in their movement towards better sex.
The Five Stages of Sexual Growth
Note: a couple or individual does not need to start from #1, and one member of the couple may be at a different place from the other.
First Stage: Negative Materialism
Imagine you are bringing your items to the check-out line and you spot some magazines. Or you scroll through social media and see a stunning image: beautiful women with flawless bodies and men with spectacular muscles. Ads are designed to play on our negative materialism all the time, just to get clicks or to get us to buy their products. Companies know that to sell something to us, we must realize that we are lacking something important or even essential.
For myself, there were three times in particular when I disliked my body and became insecure to the point that it made me feel physically unlovable: when I gained my ‘freshman fifteen,’ when I was pregnant for the first time, and when I was post-partum for the first time. This feeling of shame and dislike for our body Dr. Popcack refers to as “negative materialism.”
Shame may also lead to a distorted perception of sex as “icky.” And the reasons for shame can include more than a negative self-perception. A person may find themselves disliking sex for ideological, religious, societal, or personal reasons. Sometimes, and it may seem ironic, those who find themselves abhorring sex, or who grew up in a milieu abhorring sex, may find themselves struggling with sexual compulsions the harder they try to repress their desires. So ironically, many sex addicts or porn addicts also fall into this negative materialist category.
To move from this stage to the next, an individual or couple must agree that the body is good. This may require counseling in order to overcome false beliefs about the body and past woundedness. It may also include delving into good literature or reassessing beliefs (eg. sex is just for procreation). Sometimes, if the problem is like the one I described for myself above, it may require opening up to vulnerability and sharing our wounds with our spouse. I know for myself that was a safe place to start.
I recommend resources related to rediscovering the goodness of the body and its functions as it relates to our soul. John Paul II’s legacy, The Theology of the Body speaks of the goodness of the body as inspired by the Bible:
This article by Dr. Edward Sri, Five Key Features of the Theology of the Body
This video by Christopher West, What is the Theology of the Body?
The Theology of the Body by John Paul II
Self-Knowledge Building Resources:
The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett
Our podcast on the topic: The 4 Temperaments
Second stage: Positive Materialism
Imagine a scene from a movie: a woman walks into a bar, she spots a man in the distance who looks up when she enters. Their eyes meet. The camera dwells on their expressions of surprise and fascination. There is an immediate feeling of sexual tension. They watch each other for a while, until one of them finally finds an excuse to walk over and begin a conversation. The camera pans on their first awkward smiles. The viewer doesn’t catch much of the conversation, but it’s insinuated that they have many things in common. After only a few more interactions, there is a love scene and the couple has perfect sex.
Positive Materialism, as Dr. Popcack describes it, reminds me of this Hollywood ideal. The common chick-flick tells us that you can judge how good a relationship is by how you feel about it. That is, if it feels good, you’re going in the right direction. And not much else is needed for a satisfying sex life except a strong feeling of attraction and desire.
Positive materialism is one step up from negative materialism because, at this stage, the individual or couple realizes that sex is good and it is the result of good desires. But positive materialism is still low on the sexuality continuum because it represents a fairly shallow philosophy of love. Eroticism’s exciting sensations do not make up for the missing relationship.
“[W]hen human sexuality is reduced to mere eroticism, it’s only a matter of time before self-esteem suffers and relationships collapse.”
To move from this stage to the next, a couple needs to become better friends with each other. Otherwise, they run the risk of relying on external help to rekindle their feelings which will inevitably dwindle over time. External help may include an unhealthy addiction to porn, sex toys, kinky sex, or sado-masochism etc. Dr. Popcack warns that such a reliance on external help may eventually undermine the marriage. By relying heavily on the sensual power of sex, the couple may begin to lose respect for each other and begin to see the other person as an object to be used for their pleasure.
Relationship Building Resources:
Shaunti Feldhahn: For Men Only and For Women Only
I’ve summarized some of her content in these articles: Men Want Respect, Women Want Reassurance
Gerhard and I have also done two podcasts based on her books: Unconditional Respect, Women’s #1 Need in a Relationship
You can find more of Shaunti’s resources at shaunti.com
The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach to Relationships
Gary Chapman: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married
third stage: Relationship Sex
Bob and Erica have a great relationship and enjoy spending time with each other. However, they are inundated with things to do: chores at home, paying the bills, and soccer practices, to name a few. In the evening, they find that they are just too exhausted to have sex.
There are a lot of great things about this stage on the sexuality continuum: first, the couple sets boundaries with each other in their sex life. Within these boundaries, they find a lot of variety and pleasure. Secondly, they don’t resent their children but see them as a blessing on their marriage and a sign of their selfless loving.
There are two main problems at this stage:
The couple still disagrees on boundaries over certain sexual acts.
The couple still argues about the frequency of lovemaking.
As Dr. Popcack describes, the couple may be tempted to deal with these issues as sexual problems, when they are actually “sexual manifestations” of the way a couple is relating to each other in their day-to-day life.
For example, a few chapters later in Holy Sex, Dr. Popcack describes a couple he counseled who were having a disagreement over a certain sexual act. As he counseled them, he discovered that the wife was unwilling to try the sexual position because it made her feel insecure and disempowered. Through conversation they discovered that it wasn’t the position itself that was disempowering, it was feeling in their day-to-day life that she was disempowered. The couple worked to improve their relationship and later were able to try the position and they both enjoyed it. (This is highly abbreviated, forgive me, but it’s a great anecdote!).
The second problem for this stage is frequency. For example, a couple who have recently welcomed another child might find that their sex life is at the bottom of a very active, and neverending to-do list. Let’s face it, it’s hard to feel warm and fuzzy on a Friday night after a full and exhausting work week—or when you have been waking up several times a night with night feedings.
To move from this stage on the sexuality continuum, couples need to take steps to build more trust and intimacy during the day, amidst their busyness and chores. This may include finding time to pray together and making more time during the week for each other to touch base, not only about the day-to-day happenings but also about each other’s deeper needs and wants.
Going Deeper:
John Gottman’s research on the magic relationship ratio
Jordan Peterson’s newest book, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life
My summary of Peterson on Marriage: Jordan Peterson's Advice on Maintaining the Romance in Your Relationship
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
My summary of Chapman’s Book, The 5 Love Languages: Summary
Our podcast on the love languages: 5 Love Languages
fourth stage: Intentional Sex
Remi and Sue have been married for a number of years. Amidst a busy schedule, they still find time for each other during the week. They plan a weekly date night and go on vacation when Remi, who is a teacher, gets time off in the summer. They are mentors to other couples and besides being enriched by others’ experiences, they supplement their relationship knowledge through books, audio, and the occasional marriage conference. Though they have to schedule a night for intimacy (just to make sure it happens), they are still very much in love and haven’t lost that spark that was present at the beginning of their marriage. If anything, it has grown, and they are more attracted to each other than ever.
Dr. Popcack describes couples at this stage as not just intellectually knowing that sex is good for their relationship, but they know through countless experiences that sex is good for their relationship. As in a mirror, their home life also shows that the service they do for each other—from chores to spending time to listen—are not something they should do, but something that through experience and conversations has become now second nature.
“Lovemaking is seen as the most profound expression of the mutual service the couple gives to each other all day, every day”
Dr. Popcack writes that it is hard to imagine a couple at this stage neglecting their sexual relationship. A fourth stagae couple sees sex as a reenactment of their marriage vows, that is, a complete and lifelong self-giving in love. It’s not only a nice thing to do, it’s so much more meaningful. It’s not something that adds to the stress or the tiredness of the day, it is something that unites and gives encouragement and strength to remain committed to each other.
Dr. Popcack calls this stage the humanistic stage because it brings the physical, mental, emotional, relational, moral and spiritual together as a natural part of the couple’s sex life. In other words, this is intentional sex that represents the depth of their relationship. The couple may make love even when they don’t feel like it because they enjoy being generous with each other. They have learned through experience that they can give a little bit more than they feel like because their spouse will respond in kind. They have a high level of trust and vulnerability.
However, the couple still has some ways to go in fully incorporating the spiritual aspect of their relationship into their sex life. Some couples may stagnate in this stage into a feeling Dr. Pepper Schwartz in Peer Marriage refers to as “incest taboo.” This is the feeling that you have become such good friends with your spouse that sex no longer feels like the right way of relating with each other. Your relationship is “good” and sex is about “getting nasty.” This is a bounce-back into negative materialism, where sex is seen as “icky” or “dirty.” To get out of these doldrums, a couple would have to reassess their perceptions of sex and agree that eroticism itself is not bad, and rekindle romanticism.
Dr. Popcack writes, “[C]ouples at this stage will benefit from more time to let the intimacy and respect they are cultivating in their day-to-day relationship seep into the sexual dimensions of their relationship.”
In other words, you can still respect your spouse and have an erotic desire for them. As the relationship matures, foster intimacy with activities such as prayer and intentional time together.
Resources:
My mother-in-law’s website has been running for almost a decade and she has a lot of great resources for marriage: 10kids.com
Gary Chapman, The Four Seasons of Marriage
fifth stage: Holy Sex
It’s hard to believe there is a step up from the last one, but there is, and it sounds incredible. Here is the anecdote that Dr. Popcack provides from his clinical practice:
“For us,” says George, “sex is a kind of prayer. When we make love, Veronica and I not only work to give ourselves to each other, but we try to use our lovemaking as a way to understand how God is reaching out to each one of us.” Veronica agrees: “Looking at our physical relationship this way has added a whole new dimension. Things were always good between us. But now, it’s unbelievable. I don’t know exactly how to put it, except to say that it’s like the difference between singing a song and becoming a song.”
If you’re not already convinced, Dr. Popcack quotes from the Janus Report on Sexual Behaviour that spiritual people have more satisfying sex lives because they pay more attention to the mystic and spiritual dimensions of their sexuality. Lovemaking at this stage offers the couple two gifts:
Lovemaking becomes an experience of God
Lovemaking becomes a path to personal growth
“[God] lends us a little of His reasoning powers and that is how we think: He puts a little of His love into us and that is how we love one another.”
I experienced a “God moment” when I saw my baby for the first time. And later, when I had my fourth, I experienced another God moment when I went in for a 4D ultrasound anatomy scan. As I saw his legs kicking in my belly and his little hands moving, I could not help but think, “Oh my God.” There is something incredible about participating in the creation of new life. Someone who never existed before now suddenly is and wow, are they ever new. Their little face is something I could never have dreamed up on my own, no matter how many times I try to picture what they might look like. This incredible association with the creation of new life lends sex a new quality, the feeling that it is not only something pleasurable and meaningful but something sacred, deserving reverence and respect.
Lovemaking is also a path to personal growth because as we negotiate a better sex life with our spouse, we learn more about them and they learn about us, which requires overcoming shame and accessing our vulnerability. Dr. Popcack tells the story of a woman who had five children through C-Section that left some ugly scars on her body. She felt especially self-conscious during lovemaking, but initially, she was too embarrassed to even admit this to her husband. Finally, when she confessed, he told her, “You are so beautiful. Each one of those marks is a gift, given to me by a woman who loves me enough to bear my children.”
“The deepest levels of emotional, relational, and spiritual growth require you to embrace vulnerability—the willingness to have your weaknesses exposed so that you can be made whole. There are few instances in life when you are more vulnerable than when you are making love with your soul mate.”
Gerhard was exposed to Brene Brown’s work in school and her definition of shame is striking: “[T]he intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
When Dr. Popcack speaks about overcoming unhealthy shame, I think it is this kind of shame that he is referring to, not guilt, which is the feeling of having failed to live up to our values or personal expectations.
my thoughts
It took me a while to work through this relatively short chapter. I found the idea of a sexuality continuum fascinating when I first read it with Gerhard, but I have to admit I didn’t understand half of what Dr. Popcack was saying. Now, after having some time to study and reflect on his claims I feel like I’ve had my “aha” moment and now feel more strongly that sex is something you grow into with a person rather than something you can intellectually or emotionally figure out on your own.