Holy Sex! Summary of the book by Dr. Gregory K. Popcack
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Gerhard and I just finished reading Holy Sex! together and it has had an amazingly beneficial impact on our marriage and a wow impact on our sex life. We currently have three children under the age of five. Between night-wakings and feeling emotionally drained by so many new changes, this last year has taken a toll on our personal intimacy. Yes, I am often tired. And yes, my husband is often stressed. But at other times we just feel bored. I started asking myself, now that the honeymoon is over, is our intimate life just becoming another to-do list item?
We liked this book because—while theology provides a background to the content—Dr. Gregory Popcack focuses on the very practical aspects of the intimate life. He argues that great sex is the product of great social intimacy. It’s how we interact throughout the day that helps us to connect well at night. Through reading this book together, doing the quizzes, and having numerous discussions, we were able to pinpoint the areas that we needed to work on to improve our sex life. And it really worked. Yes, there is a chapter on sexual positions, but by the time we got there, we’d already gotten over the boredom issue. I’ll explain more in this summary.
“Even in our allegedly sexually enlightened times, most people’s sexual education, to the degree that it happens at all, tends to focus simply on biology and mechanics.”
But first…
Dr. Popcack is a Fellow of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (FAAPC), a Board Certified Diplomate (BCD) of the American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work, and a winner of the Fr. Richard M. Hogan Award for Contributions to the Social Sciences.
A (very, very) quick intro on theology of the body
Dr. Popcack bases a lot of his ideas on Pope John Paul II’s revolutionary Theology of the Body. In general terms, this text argues that to be fully alive we need to integrate our bodily desires with our spiritual inclinations. The Theology of the Body is about seeing the body as a gift, and our erotic desires as the impetus for reaching out to and receiving others in a bodily way, as male and female. Of course, that is a very (very) quick summary. Dr. Popcack’s emphasis is that when you fully integrate your spiritual, emotional, physical self into your sex life, the result is amazing sex.
If you are interested in learning more about the Theology of the Body, I recommend:
This article by Dr. Edward Sri, Five Key Features of the Theology of the Body
This video by Christopher West, What is the Theology of the Body?
Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
The Theology of the Body by John Paul II
Fool’s Gold: Holy Sex or Eroticism
“Sex without love requires the couple to seek out more and more dramatic experiences to get the same high each time—the high that love would otherwise supply. There are two possible results. Either the couple eventually hits a line that one or the other will not cross and as a result, passion dies and frustration reigns, or the couple keeps pushing the limits of sexual experience until the boundaries that protect the dignity and integrity of the marital relationship completely collapse, and the marriage falls apart.”
Holy Sex
Very pleasurable
Driven by intimacy and arousal
Overcomes shame
Works for the good of the other
Welcomes children
Shares the whole self
More joyful and vital with time
Gives life and health
Eroticism
Very pleasurable
Driven solely by arousal
Causes shame
Uses the other
Fears children
Withholds the self
More stagnant and boring with time (like a drug)
Brings disease and death
As Dr. Popcack defines it, holy sex is a passionate, sensual encounter between two lovers in a committed relationship that is faithful and forever. Their passion is driven by both arousal and social intimacy. That is, their sex-life is fuelled both by passion and by their relationship. Neither person feels like they are being used by the other. Neither do they hold part of themselves back—they feel comfortable giving their whole self—body, mind, heart and soul. They are fully accepting of each other and receive their lover’s body as it is, without wanting it to be altered or modified. They welcome the children that come out of their lovemaking and don’t feel that changes in their family have to result in less intimacy in the relationship.
“In general, research on marriage and health outcomes consistently shows that couples who are in healthy, faithful marriages live longer than others, are more mentally healthy than others, and are at lower risk for many physical diseases—not just STD’s.”
If a couple relies solely on sexual arousal to draw them together, they will find that eventually the chemistry disappears and more “help” is needed from outside sources to artificially generate arousal. Eroticism without intimacy can cause us to believe that our relationship exists as a result of our being able to give our spouse pleasure (and vice versa). We may start to wonder if our partner really loves us for who we are or if they are in a relationship in order to scratch a sexual itch.
The sense of being used can happen in any marriage. Dr. Popcack writes that wives complain to him about how their otherwise loving husbands pout when they say they’re “not in the mood.” But he also writes of husbands complaining about wives who use sex to soften them up to get something out of them. Both are examples of what Popcack calls “vending machine” loving.
Eroticism, any form of it, causes shame. Dr. Popcack defines shame as a protective feeling that tells us when we are being used as a thing rather than loved as who we are. As shame grows, it can cause us to be distrustful of others and may result in barriers to love.
Are you an infallible or fallible lover?
Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash
An infallible lover is someone who is “committed to becoming a healthy, faithful* person who knows how to communicate the fullness of his or her being to another healthy, faithful person.” They want the best for their partner, which means sometimes foregoing their own needs. Sex is not an “itch to be scratched” but a way for one’s body to speak love to their spouse. In contrast, a fallible lover will put up with the cuddling, attentions, and “sweet nothings” only to the degree that they lead to sex. When a fallible lover doesn’t get what he/she wants, they tend to pout, become resentful, withdraw, or become irritable.
*[Note: in this context, faithful refers to someone who is true to their committment to their spouse.]
Dr. Popcack argues that effective sex therapy is the result of putting sex in the context of a healthy relationship rather than managing just the mechanics of the sexual act.
With that in mind, here are the 8 ingredients that Dr. Popcack recognizes as being essential to a healthy relationship. While some of these items may not seem overtly related to sexual intimacy, they contribute to the overall health of the relationship, which directly impacts the quality of a couple’s sex life.
“Infallible Lovers know that the deepest most fulfilling, passionate, intimate, soulful sex occurs between two lovers who want to inspire each other to be the best people they can be for each other all day, and then give all of themselves to each other—body, mind, and spirit—at night.”
Eight Steps of Infallible Loving
1.Self-Donative Love
A self-donative person is able to balance generosity and the need to set boundaries. He/she gives all of him/herself to his/her lover or holds back when needs be.
Dr. Popcack suggests a couple of exercises to grow in generous love. The first is developing a marital mission statement, which you could consider a marital ideal, where the couple chooses statements or words that define their relationship. For example, words like joy, faith, respect service, or openness.
The second exercise requires both spouses to individually assess how much time they spend with their family and at work—to the extent that their family is functioning at its best and all their work obligations are being fulfilled. This exercise is meant to help couples guard family as a priority. As Dr. Popcack writes, “We cannot give the best of ourselves to friends, co-workers, and community, and give the leftovers to our families.”
He also encourages couples to practice generosity with each other, to “serve each other all day long” and “be on the lookout for opportunities to serve your spouse.” The connection with sexuality is that (according to one psychological study) sexual satisfaction in a marriage is directly related to how well the couple feels like they work together taking care of their home and their children.
Self-donation goes beyond simply doing things for the other person, it also includes fostering an appreciation for the things our spouse enjoys, if that is hockey or wine tasting or stand-up comedy. This kind of generosity in our interests and time allows us to show respect for the other person and their interests and fosters a sense of intimacy.
2. Responsibility
Responsibility encompasses self-mastery and stewardship and it results in greater trust.
Practicing self-discipline includes not pouting or being irritable when we don’t get what we want. To grow in this ability, Dr. Popcack recommends the old spiritual discipline of fasting, or in other words, practicing the delay of gratification. This may look like giving up that last piece of dessert to someone else, or getting up earlier than we’d like to in order to work out, or doing a chore for our spouse that we don’t particularly enjoy.
Stewardship includes taking good care of the things that we possess—from our house to our finances to our community and beyond. It is not meant to be completely self-directed, we take good care of these things for our own use and for other peoples’ pleasure as well.
3. Faith
In this section, Dr. Popcack argues for the integrity of the whole person. He argues that a person who goes to church on Sunday should be the same kind of person Mon to Sat, he/she should not be a different person at different times, but the same person everywhere.
Sex likewise should fully integrate our love of God with the love with have for our spouse. While this might sound strange, think about the love we have for God as creative, nurturing, and building ourselves and others up. The love we have towards God in prayer is the same love we can intend for our spouse. Both spiritual and physical love can be expressed in our sexual intimacy.
4. Respect
Having respect for others includes the values of modesty and dignity.
Modesty elevates the dignity of the person. What we wear sends a message about who we are, and being aware of how other people react to our appearance allows us to grow in respect for the people around us. Respect for our own privacy demonstrates respect for our body and its status as gift. Respecting our privacy shows that we are deliberate about who we share the gift of our body with and when.
Dignity involves two aspects: not using others to satisfy me, and setting limits as to how others treat me. Do I avoid helping out in the home and let others pick up my slack? Do I pretend I am superior to my spouse and refuse things that are important to them? Do I think primarily about how others can benefit me? These self-centred habits during the day may cause our spouse to question whether they are being used at night.
On the other hand, do I let myself be used by being afraid to say no in fear of disappointing my spouse? Do I allow others to treat me in demeaning ways? Knowing how to set healthy boundaries stops us from being taken advantage of or fear taken for granted in the bedroom. Not setting these limits may result in resentment or unnecessary holding back from loving our spouse for fear of being used.
Read more about this topic in God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!: Making Peace with Difficult People by Dr. Gregory Popcack, PhD.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
5. Intimacy
Intimacy is not only what happens in the bedroom, it’s also about the verbal and emotional connection that we build during the day. To grow in intimacy we need to be attentive to our spouse’s spiritual and emotional well-being. Dr. Popcack writes, “be as affectionate with each other as possible while retaining a sense of propriety.” When you sit down together, have an idea of what your spouse enjoys talking about and be prepared to have something to share.
6. Cooperation
Learning how to solve problems and meet goals with our spouse directly contributes to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Some big ticket items may include planning the size of our family, the frequency of sex, and agreeing on periods of abstinence (eg., for the sake of Natural Family Planning).
7. Joy
Growing in joy in our day-to-day includes cultivating a respectful sense of humour, allowing ourselves to be playful with each other, and to laugh and be silly without giving or taking offense.
8. personhood
Personhood involves three aspects:
-A Christian Anthropology
-Body and Soul
-Man or Woman
When we talk about origins, it is significant that we either view ourselves as the product of random chance or as the purposeful rendering of a work of art. Christian anthropology states that we were created by Love, who is a being. This is a significant difference from the atheistic stance that we were created by chance. Both perspectives give our lives different meanings and different purposes. Life, for a Christian, is a gift. Our origin in love demands love of us—in other words, we were created in the image of God, to be like God in giving love.
With regards to sex, intimacy with our life partner cannot be limited to just biological functioning. Here is an opportunity for us to show love, the same love that we received from God. In return, our partner gives us the love they have received from God.
Man and Woman: in brief, Dr. Popcack here writes that our biology informs us of how we can show love to our mate. We may be tempted, however, to sometimes oversimplify the differences between men and women. Though there are different emphases in qualities between men and women, these differences should not serve as limitations in the ways that we can serve each other. There are many stereotypes of how men and women can and should love each other, but we need to ask ourselves if these are helping us or hindering us from loving each other in the way we each need.
By Dr. Gregory K. Popcack
Common wisdom portrays sex and church to be at odds, yet studies show that Catholics have better sex, and more often. This witty, frank, and refreshingly orthodox book draws from the beautiful truths of Catholic teaching to show people of all faiths about rich and satisfying sexuality. Includes dozens of questionnaires, quizzes, and valuable lessons from real-life stories.
I want to share with you what I learned about blocked care and give you hope that we can overcome the conflicts we experience with our children. That these ill-feelings are not just the result of poor parenting techniques or broken children, but sometimes they arise from our own overtaxed or even underdeveloped parenting brains. And there are ways to help our brain parent better.