The 5 Love Languages: Summary
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As we were preparing for the podcast on the 5 Love Languages, we typed up this summary of Gary Chapman’s book. For those of us with little time on our hands, or who have read the book and would like a review, here it is—a quick summary of the Five Love Languages.
intro: Keeping the Love Tank Full
In a nutshell, Chapman’s thesis is this: We all want love and want to feel loved. But we all feel love differently and express love in different ways.
In his clinical practice, Dr. Chapman identified 5 main language love types. Within each type, he also identified different dialects, or love language variations. So although it is helpful to make broad generalizations, ultimately each person loves and feels love uniquely. The 5 Love Languages are a helpful tool in understanding the unique way in which each person loves.
1. Words of Affirmation
If you are of this first love language type, words affect you deeply. You remember the words people have said, whether positive or negative, long after they have said them. For that reason, you like to write out memories, cards, or letters. You might have your favourite quotes framed and decorating your home.
When you are with your spouse or loved one, you like to talk about your experiences and recall old stories. You are moved when your spouse affirms you out loud or in a card: “I loved it when you did...x…” You take it seriously when someone says “I love you” and likewise you like to give your loved ones endearing notes, words of encouragement, or affirmations.
variations:
Are you an auditory or a visual learner? Some people prefer to hear a word of endearment, others like to see it written down.
How do you respond to words of encouragement with respect to your projects and dreams?
Are you particular about your spouse’s tone of voice? You may feel more loved when your spouse speaks to you in a gentle, loving tone.
Do you become upset when your spouse asks you to do something? Your love language may be humble words; you may be particularly sensitive to requests that do not sound like demands.
2. Quality Time
If you are of this love language, you want to spend meaningful time with your spouse. You’re intent on building memories and finding other ways to deepen your relationship. Sometimes you’re just satisfied by having your spouse’s undivided attention, but you get irritated if your spouse becomes distracted by their cell phone or lack of eye contact. Since you like to have undivided attention when you speak, you might like to show your love by being an especially good listener yourself.
Sometimes you don’t like to sit around and wait for things to happen by themselves, so you surprise your spouse with a special date that you’ve organized. Otherwise, you simply like to be with your spouse for a quiet chat in the evening, or enjoying sports and hobbies or books—anything that you can do together.
If you suspect you/your spouse’s love language is Quality Time, learn the art of having a Quality Conversation:
eye contact
no other activity happening
listen for feelings
observe body language
refuse to interrupt
If you are not one to talk and open up, you will probably find that learning the art of quality conversation is difficult. I find it helps to begin with a comfortable setting. Privacy matters, of course. And then maybe it’s easiest for you to talk when you are on a hike, or on a beautiful rooftop patio, or when the lights are off and you are snuggled up in bed. When everyone is comfortable, reveal something about yourself. See how your spouse responds. If your spouse doesn’t respond the way you would like, be patient, and take the time to explain how another kind of response lets you feel more loved.
If you are the talker and your spouse is the clam, help your spouse feel comfortable enough to speak of his/her feelings with lots of words of encouragement and gentle listening. I find it’s important to never interrupt when you feel like your spouse is saying something important—even for clarification. I know for myself it can be frustrating to say something difficult and then be interrupted in the middle of my spiel. It takes even more courage to pick up again. I think we all need the space and time to express ourselves as we need. There’s always time to ask questions after.
Dialects of this love language:
Quality Conversation: Do you love spending time together with your spouse to chat?
Quality Activities: Ask your spouse to join you in your passions, eg. gardening, house projects.
Togetherness: do you enjoy just having your spouse nearby even if you are not doing the same thing or even talking with each other?
Undivided attention: do you become annoyed when you see your spouse switch off and go on his/her phone?
3. Receiving Gifts
Tangible things are meaningful to you. You express your love through physical objects, not with memories that can easily be forgotten. You like to identify things that your partner wants or dreams about. You value birthdays and Christmas. You like it when your spouse returns from a long trip with a souvenir because you know they have been thinking about you.
For someone whose love language is not gifts, your spouse’s need to spend money might alarm you. I know for myself that I don’t care much for objects and often think they are a waste of money. I wonder about the costs of flowers and other expensive items. For the person whose love language is gifts, spending money to please your spouse is not money wasted, it’s a manner of investing in the relationship. We spend money on a lot of things that are important to us—if a person is important to us, the argument is we should spend money on them too.
I was also concerned that this love language seemed materialistic and superficial. But at the heart of the gift-giving love language is a need for love that demands a sacrifice on the part of the giver. Spending money on someone is a way of sacrificing your “goods” at the expense of the other. It’s a sign of love. There are other goods that can be sacrificed—time, energy. The important point is that for the person whose love language is gifts, the product of the love has to be tangible. For example, you can sacrifice time to make a homemade gift. Or you can stay up late preparing a special surprise for a birthday.
If you believe that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, conduct an experiment: for a week give something everyday that costs you something, whether it be time, money, or energy.
Dialects of this love language:
Do you get upset if your spouse does not buy you a present on your birthday/special anniversary?
Do you get upset if the present your spouse got you looks cheap?
Do you and your spouse often get into fights over how much money you should give a couple at their wedding? The gift-giving spouse has a need to be generous in order to show love.
Do you keep notes, small gifts, or memories in a box in your closet?
4. Acts of service
You seek to please through serving the other by noticing needs before the other even asks to have them fulfilled. You want to make life easier and more pleasant for your spouse by doing things for him/her. In your opinion, love is action, and words are empty without proof.
You may enjoy projects with your spouse, whether that is raising your kids or fixing up your house. A clean house is a reflection of your joy in doing things for others. You get concerned when your spouse doesn't cook or clean or help with chores, and wonder—they’re not helping—do they really love me?
Perhaps for this love language more than the others, we have to overcome some stereotypes. And for men and women, this love language may look different. For one person, they might feel loved when their spouse takes the car to the garage when it needs to be fixed. For the other person, they appreciate help with the dishes. I remember feeling really loved when a friend spent hours proofreading my forty-page research paper.
Once you discover what kind of service is most meaningful to your spouse (or to you!), do that action regularly and see what happens. It’s important that we take the action, not the result as the expression of love. If your spouse washes the windows for you but leaves streaks, just let it be. If he/she paints a room and did a bit of a messy job, if it isn’t terrible, try to ignore it. Or at the very least, start with the thank you’s first and then add your request, “But do you mind just getting this spot here?” Let your partner make mistakes in helping you.
Dialects of this Love Language:
Are you often concerned about the state of the house?
Do you enjoy working on new projects in and around your home?
Do you find you like to always be “busy” with something?
Are you extremely appreciative when your spouse offers to do something for you, whether it may be to wash the car or watch the kids?
5. Physical Touch
Everything is OK when your spouse goes out of his/her way to kiss and touch you throughout the day. You like to be physically close. You crave physical intimacy in order to get back on the same page and renew your love. You are sensitive to different kinds of touch, not only sexual. You find it particularly hard if your spouse is physically far away, ex. for a conference.
You might have had a lot of warm fuzzies during your dating stage, but as your marriage progressed and life became more stressful, sexual intimacy may have gone to the wayside. If physical intimacy is important to you, and specifically sexual intimacy, you may have found this change difficult. I think it’s important to take the time to listen and learn about our spouse’s needs without belittling him/her for having those needs. There is a need for security in the relationship and sexual intimacy provides that for some. On the other hand, saying yes to our spouse and ignoring our own needs time and time again is also a recipe for disaster. What do you need? What does your spouse need? Do you know?
If you suspect your spouse has physical touch as his/her primary love language, show you care by being responsive to their touch. If they take your hand as you’re walking, give a small squeeze. If they pull you in for a hug, give a kiss too.
You also can show your spouse that you care by showing exclusivity in touch. For example, when we went to a swing dance class, it mattered to me that I was the only person my boyfriend cared to dance with that evening. By this gesture he told me that he had eyes only for me.
Different dialects of this Love Language:
Do you like holding hands in public?
Do you need to cuddle when you watch a movie together?
Do you like to give your spouse hugs throughout the day?
Are you pleased when your spouse seems interested in reading about sex or improving your sex life?
Do you often ask your spouse to give you a massage?
by Gary Chapman
Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner.