Jordan Peterson on Friendship
Rule 3: Make Friends with People who want the Best for You
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos
We are supported by our audience, when you click on a link, we may earn a small commission. This does not alter the price of the product.
I realize that we have spoken about many topics related to marriage and family on this site but we haven’t yet touched on friendship. In Sex After Kids: 10 Ways to Improve Your Love Life, we mention that a fulfilling intimate life is the fruit of becoming friends with your spouse. In this growing digital age, it is becoming harder to define what exactly a friend is, what friendship requires, and what a healthy friendship looks like. In Rule 3, Peterson speaks of choosing friends that draw us up toward our ideal good. We can improve the quality of our life by improving the quality of our friendships.
Jordan Peterson’s description of friendship and what it means to be a true friend begins with his bildungsroman. After living in a small town where people had little to do and much less ambition, he moved to a larger city and made friends with people who were like-minded and “aiming upward.” This helped him bolster his own ambition. Moving to a new town also allowed him to start anew, since “in the chaos there are new possibilities.”
Not everyone who left his hometown left it for the better. He writes of other acquaintances who held onto old notions and fell into the same bad circles of friends. They surrounded themselves with people who made them feel better about themselves, but who did not help them improve their life.
Peterson asks, why do some people choose to spend time with those who draw the worst out of them?
He outlines 4 main reasons:
Good intentions: 3 reasons Why we shouldn’t try to be friends with someone in order to “save” them
Delinquency spreads: Since it is harder to go up than to go down, if the person you are friends with is not intent on improving their life, or has poor lifestyle choices and doesn’t want to change, these will influence you negatively.
The problem of enabling: Peterson poignantly asks if pity saves. Are we helping the suffering person or are we encouraging them to remain as they are?
Actualizing victimhood: The problem with seeing someone only as a victim is that the other person is then encouraged to bear no responsibility for what has happened to them. Without responsibility, there is no personal agency.
What makes a good friend?
People who have a good opinion of their self-worth and who take responsibility for their lives. People who believe they deserve better and call us out on it when we fail to meet their reasonable standards.
People who believe that friendship is a “reciprocal arrangement:” friendship demands loyalty, which is not blind, but is negotiated fairly and honestly.
We are not morally obliged to help someone who is making the world a worse place. It’s not selfish to separate ourselves from people who are not good for us, even if we see that they are failing.
We need to choose people who are generally pleased by our successes, not threatened by them.
A good friend will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness. They will encourage you to do good to others and correct you when you do not. They will help you achieve what you most need.
Make friends with people who want the best for you.
Other thoughts:
Although Peterson doesn’t name it outright, he often touches on the mental health condition of co-dependency, in which a person feels compelled to be friends with someone who is hurting them. Co-dependency can happen in a relationship of abuse, alcoholism, addiction, or other destructive behaviours. The co-dependent person may feel an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward a person, a tendency to confuse love with pity, a tendency to do more than their share in relationships, and a sense of guilt when asserting their own needs. You can read more about co-dependency here.
If you want to read more about what a healthy friendship looks like, I like Stephen R. Covey’s Seven Habits for Highly Effective People. His win-win, win-lose, and lose-lose model is helpful for identifying whether a relationship is balanced and reciprocal.
As a teenager, I appreciated Covey’s son Sean Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, since it taught me how to be a good friend and how to work with people who were different from me—in an entertaining and teen-appropriate way.
For younger kids, aged 6-8, I recommend the Arthur series chapter books by Marc Brown, he does a great job teaching children memorable lessons about friendship.
Dealing with criticisms in marriage is not easy, but Adam Lane Smith provides a solution to that problem. We try out his method and give you the rundown, pros and cons.