The Feelings We Try to Hide: Managing the Emotional Stress of Parenthood
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When I was single, I didn’t have to deal with my emotions that much. I could manage my schedule, my sleep, my nutrition, my exercise and my social life in such a way that I could curb the pitfalls of overwhelming stress. As a parent (and I should add, as a wife) the negative emotions I encounter on a day to day basis can hit me like a landslide. I’m low on sleep, maybe our relationship needs work but we don’t have time to talk, and the kids are teething (again).
As one father of a newborn shared with me recently, “I've never been so aware of my nasty side.”
emotional intelligence
The best news is that "emotional literacy" is not fixed early in life. Every parent, every teacher, every business leader, and everyone interested in a more civil society, has a stake in this compelling vision of human possibility.
To learn more about the emotions, I started reading Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman. It was a popular book in the 1990’s but even if you haven’t heard of it, it’s wider effect has trickled down to effect our education system, business management, and popular culture. Its huge impact is due to the very convincing argument Goleman makes that emotional intelligence is a set of skills that can (and should) be learned.
Goleman’s book has led me to face my “shadow” as Karl Jung calls it, the primitive and darker side of ourselves. You may have heard Jordan Peterson speak of integrating your shadow—this means accepting as opposed to simply repressing the negative emotions we face day-to-day. Accepting is not the same as acting upon, but if we ignore our shadow and refuse to get to know it, it will spill out when we least expect it, in ways that we may not be able to control. When we accept our own shadow, we also become more accepting of other people’s faults, weaknesses, and foibles (including those of our spouse and children).
In this reflection, I jotted down an uncomfortable emotion I typically face as a parent and then brainstormed how I could face it in a productive way. Here are my reflections.
Other Resources on the emotions:
Dr. John Gottman, PhD
Resentment
I find this emotion sneaks up on me when I’m least expecting it. All of a sudden, I feel angry for no reason (or so it seems) when my husband, for example, takes a break in the middle of the afternoon to read a book. I’ve learned that that ugly feeling I sense when I see him enjoying his well-deserved break is resentment—because I haven’t taken a break myself. So my answer to resentment is to try to figure out what I am missing in my life. Often I feel resentful when I see others indulging in self-care, so I find that letting myself spend a few extra dollars on makeup or a coffee by myself can do me and my family a world of good. It feels selfish sometimes, but I know that it isn’t—our life isn’t just about work, managing people and projects, and making sure our bathrooms are always clean. It’s also about slowing down and enjoying the time we have, the person we are, the people who are closest to us. Though I hate feeling resentful I know now what it signifies, and this emotion is a cue to say, “Alright, slow down, let’s give myself a little break.”
Linda Weber in Mom You’re Incredible! recommends putting one thing in our schedule every day that we can look forward to—whether that’s time to read, exercise or time to visit with a friend.
Guilt
While I just touted the importance of taking a break, sometimes I feel guilty for having spent too much to myself, or for ignoring my kids so I can check off all the items on my to-do list (see my article on The Choleric Wife!). When I start to feel guilty, I know I need to stop, self-assess, and just go and spend time with my family and kids. That way, at the end of the day, I know I won’t have that guilty feeling nagging me that I haven’t paid attention to who is most important, or that my priorities are out of order. Right now my goal is to spend about 10min of personal time each day with each of my kids, and to have two or three 1/2 hour conversations with my husband a week.
Incompetency
Have you ever had so many bad days in a row you just wish someone would throw you a lifeline? When I start feeling in over my head, my mother-in-law usually has some book to lend me that will encourage me (you can see her list of recommended books at 10kids.com). My mom, who also had ten kids, usually has some great advice to give me over the phone. And I find laughing over my incompetencies with a good friend helps me feel like it’s okay, and the camaraderie lightens my load. We all have bad days.
Emotionally “Drained”
My mother-in-law has lots of funny pseudonyms for this feeling of being emotionally drained: “maxed-out” and “fried” are my favourites. Whatever the term for it, when I start to feel “flat”, it’s time to do something fun. There’s nothing that boosts my spirits like calling a friend or speaking to my spouse and hearing them say, “You can do it, keep it up!” Alternatively, I think one of the nicest things we can do for a friend who is having a rough day/week/year is not necessarily give advice (even well-meaning advice, at least not right away) but tell them they are capable and give them the encouragement they need. As Shaunti Feldhahn discovered in For Men Only, women’s #1 need is for love and reassurance. And in For Women Only, Shaunti points out that men need respect—that is, the encouragement and not the nagging to get back on track.
Overwhelmed
This feeling comes to me often, especially at the end of the work week or at the end of a day full of temper tantrums. When I sense this feeling, I know I need to stop and slow down immediately or else things (ie. including myself) are going to start falling apart fast. If the situation is already really bad and help is nearby, I call for reinforcements. If help is not nearby, I slow things down with my kids and try to be mindful, think of things only one step at a time, or write down a to-do list or make a brain-dump in my journal if I can. Another thing that helps—other than addressing the myriad of problems—is just stepping away for a moment for a breather, reading a book, or just changing the scenery (eg. let’s go outside!)
Loneliness/Isolation
According to the US 2020 Cigna Report, primary caregivers tend to feel more lonely than the average person (see my article on this topic here). In answer to this feeling, I like to organize playdates, attend or run a moms group, go out with friends without the kids, or call a friend, even for 10min. Social media doesn’t seem to shrug-off the feeling that I’m not “connecting” with people but can even exacerbate my feeling isolated. If I can’t see people face-to-face, then hearing someone’s voice in real-time over the phone does a load of good for my sense of feeling heard and known. In fact, according to recent research, friendships for women are not just an extra thing we should do when we have the time: women need other women for their mental health and maintaining these quality relationships is as important as avoiding smoking. Men, on the other hand, are happy to just open up to one person: their wife. We find that taking time for a weekly date night is critical for keeping the communication doors open.
boredom
Sometimes when I am with my kids I cannot help but look at the time. Maybe they want to play a very repetitive game or have me read the same book the fourth time in a row. To overcome this feeling of boredom I get them interested in something new that I also find interesting. Other times, if they’re really engaged in their play, I give myself a time limit (10, 20, 30min) to play with them until I get to go do something else. I know they need my time, but sometimes I am not into it. Other times, I can really awaken my keenness to be with my kids by being mindful and purely present in the moment by stopping to carefully look at their reactions, their expressions, and to remind myself that they are little for only so long.
I am an intellectual person, so I do find it hard to be engaged in less stimulating activities. But when I quiet my mind down from all the planning or worries and just focus and be with my kids then I start to become interested and engaged. And just like characters you get to know in a cartoon strip, my kids become more engaging the more I engage with them. They become more amusing the more I am amused by them. (I write more about my struggles in this area in Your Presence Matters.)
To meet my intellectual needs I take time every week—if not more frequently—to do something intellectual. I followed Jordan Peterson’s Personality course on YouTube while preparing food, folding laundry, or driving in the car. It’s amazing what you can do in 10-20min chunks.
Stress
We tend to use the word “stress" to mean a plethora of different ailments, but the definition of stress that I like the best is: “being anxious, tired and irritable because of too much work or pressure.” I think this definition can define many of my days as a parent. When I am “stressed-out” I think the best response is to step back and reevaluate my priorities about how I am living. Recently, I found I was getting stressed because I wasn’t connecting with my husband enough—we were getting so caught up with the kids and our work that I never had those moments in the day to just reorient myself, discuss our priorities as a family, and tackle the hurdles together. I think a little bit of stress is normal, but when it gets to be too much, it’s a sign for me that things are out of balance.
Anxiety
Anxiety is usually coupled with stress for me, but it is a slightly different sentiment. To be anxious means “experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” When we worry, we are dwelling on a problem maybe more than we should. A good solution for worry is not to worry more (though this is the temptation, as Goleman points out: we worry about something different in order to distract ourselves from the real thing we are worried about). He suggests to journal what we are worrying about, take time to get in touch with our body and how we are feeling, and take one small step forward in the right direction. Anxiety paralyzes us with fear for the future and makes us feel out of control. But we are the protagonists of our lives; though we can’t control what happens to us, we can control our responses. Goleman recommends channelling our nervous energy into a project that shows tangible progress. For example, we might be worried about our children’s health during the pandemic, but we can channel that nervous energy into a new diet or health plan or exercise regimen. I struggle a lot with anxiety, and I find it can be useful in telling me when I need to make changes in my life. Being anxious and then refusing to make changes in my life usually exacerbates the anxiety. I consider my anxiety as an alarm bell, and in that way I find it helps me rather than drags me down. My anxiety reminds me of my limitations—in a good way.
Depression
There is such thing as “mommy burn-out”—and it can be the result of stress or clinical depression. I like this book on the topic by Sheryl Ziegler. In my years of struggle with depression, I find the best solution for me is to get out of myself somehow. It costs a lot of effort, but it starts to ease the sense of mental pain and desperation that can sometimes be overwhelming. By “getting out” I mean: literally just getting outside, getting together with a friend, talking on the phone with a close friend (eg. my mom), volunteering. Doing something for someone is difficult when I’m depressed but the rewards are huge. If I write someone a letter, or do some act of service, it really shakes me out of my mood. That being said, I have also appreciated tele-counselling, which I found much easier to manage with my schedule than in-person counselling.
Undervalued
We do a lot as parents. And besides father and mother’s day, we don’t often get a lot of encouragement from our family. In that sense, I have learned that I don’t get what I don’t ask for. It may seem silly, but I ask my husband every night what he appreciates about me or appreciates about something I did that day, and it has be specific. I have to admit his answers satisfy me a lot and give me impetus to keep it up and keep going. Another thing that my husband and I have started doing is to give ourselves the occasional reward after we’ve done something particularly difficult. Maybe he made the back deck, finished a big project—or I finally got our son potty trained, or finished sorting out some old boxes that have been lying around forever—then we have a drink with supper or some other treat. On other occasions, I like to go out by myself and go for a bike ride or get a tea. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson in Rule 4, we can’t just stick a carrot in front of our noses and then pull it away once the hard work is done. We need to value our own efforts and teach our kids and our husband to value our efforts as well.
Insecurity
I think it’s normal to feel insecure because frankly, since we’ve never been moms before, we’re making it up as we go. With that in mind, we’re likely to make mistakes, and I’ve been trying to convince myself that that’s ok. My mother-in-law recommends befriending a mom who is 10 years ahead of us, someone we can look to and trust. This is what she did because before she had her ten kids, she didn’t know anything about homemaking or child rearing. She would go and visit a mature mother she had befriended and just observe her as she went about her cooking, cleaning, and tending of the children. Through this observation, along with so many great books, and courses through Family Enrichment, my mother-in-law learned all the skills she needed to be a competent mother.
anger
This nasty emotion seems to well up sometimes when I least expect it. As a choleric person, anger is something I deal with every day—just like my sanguine husband has to fight distraction every day. For me, if the anger is really strong, it’s often a sign of a deeper feeling of sadness. Journaling and trying to reflect on when the emotion started helps me determine the trigger and know where I need to “lean in.” By leaning in, I mean either accepting the unavoidable distressful event that happened or by facing the problem and looking for a solution.
Toddlers and their “no” stage definitely brings my husband and I to the brink sometimes, especially when our own needs haven’t been met. My husband found he had to find some kind of outlet for his pent-up energy. Every day he hits the gym and does a heavy workout. He also started taking jiu-jitsu classes, which he found beneficial in channelling his negative energy in a positive way. I started to see a difference in my own ability to curb my anger when I started working out as well.
Gary Chapman has a great book on this subject:
I hope you enjoyed these reflections on the emotions! Please include your own insights in the comment section below.